Broken illusions

Hi,

I`m male, 29. I suffer from Schizophrenia(the doctors say). In general, I fear that people around me is not there voluntarily, like they`re sort of reading of a note, and doing what their told(by force one might say). Which is a big problem when it comes to women. Some things between man and woman are pretty bad when they happen by force(you know what I`m aiming at).

I hear a lot of voices which tense me to the point of wanting to crush my skull against the wall(I sort of get a release by visualizing it, wich is pretty violent imagery, and sort of weird, lol). Long story short, I`ve contemplating suicide for too many years, already.

I occationally meet this woman through mutual friends, and I have sort of developed feelings for her. I can`t really act upon them, as to the whole voluntarily thing. Though I`ve started thinking  and dreaming of her. She`s confided in me a few times for some reason. I seem to have such an effect on people at times(dunno why). And I sort of feel priviledged that she`d trust me with things.

I`ve sort of hoped that I could emotionally connect with her, though it doesn`t seem to happen. I suppose to feel sort of real for one person at least, and I really do miss beeing in a relationship. I remember how it felt with my previous girlfriend, before I sort of freaked out(I though she was with me by force). Just how she trusted in me with her struggles and sorrows, and how I could allow myself to trust her with some of mine. I think I feel safe when women sort of lean upon me for support, and I like how it feels to care about someone. To make my days easier I`ve been daydreaming of this woman, sort of drift off in my own little world, so I don`t feel all that alone.

I`ve hoped that she would sort of fall in love in me, and sort of make an approach on an afterparty or something like that. Sure I`d have to gently push her back, but I`d have the chance to be completely honest with her. And maybe, just maybe, I could fall asleep with my arm around her waist. Sort of hoping that if she were to be there “by command” she maybe  liked it anyway. Like me for who I am. Like me because I love her. That she would feel safe. And that I could feel what I`ve always felt when I fall asleep with my arm around a loved ones waist – that nothing is missing. That I am complete, and for a few precious moments everything is ok.

The last time we met we were at a bootleg bar, and out of beer tokens. At one point, she was making out with this guy at the bar, and I sort of fell to pieces(kind of irrational, really). I was chatting with an old childhood friend, and I sort of couldn`t communicate properly. I was too damn heartbroken. I felt that I had to go home(have a long walk), and brotherly hugged my friends goodbye, and went over to say goodbye to her. She told me: “Noooo! Don`t leave me here.  There is to many male strangers here. Don`t go.” that guy from the bar sat beside her and caressed her back, and I said “what? you seem to have met a guy you like?” Apparently she wasn`t quite into him afterall and she persuaded me to wait for her(I wish I just went home, but I have this weak spot for her).

We left after half an hour, this guy, her and me. She told him right before we went outside that he was in no way coming home with her, and he seemed to continue to try to persuade her. I got impatient and shoved her away, pretending to be a jealous lover or something(she seemed to be in on the notes), and I told her outside “Seems like I did you a favour there? :)” At that point that guy came out and she felt bad for him. I told her to go talk to him while I waited for her at the taxi stop(we was supposed to share a taxi home). she came back and told me: “Heart, I have to stay behind and talk to him. Take a cab, I`ll call you later.” She pulled my face towards her with both her hands and kissed me on the mouth. I didn`t kiss her back, and she had this sad, emphatic look in her eyes. And I had this feeling that only can be described as ugly. The whole thing felt ugly.

The dream of comfort is sort of broken. And I don`t know if I`ve ruined it with her as a friend, aswell. I`ve seem to have lost my way once again(not like I ever was on it). I think it would break her if I killed myself over this, so I suppose I still love her. Weird, though. And somewhat pathetic.