Can’t fix what’s been broken more than once

Married mother of two with the nice house, white plastic fence, and a dog. I was sexually,mentally, and verbally abused most of my childhood and emotionally abused throughout my pregnancies. I’ve been broken way too many times and the thoughts of everything that happened to me won’t stop haunting me. I tried to kill myself a few months ago with liquor and 90 flexeril, I counted every single one I sadly didn’t succeed. I’m trying the whole happy pill and therapy crap, I’ve been on four different kinds of pills and I get seen four times a month and I just feel sad and hopeless. I’ve just been broken too many times. When I tried to kill myself, after I blacked out I was in complete darkness and everything felt peaceful,quiet, I felt happy, and I was pain free. I just want that feeling again.