I tried to be happy[ish] and stop putting myself  down so much, but it didn’t really work out. I was relatively happy for about 3 months, but I don’t think I was happy at all. I forced myself to not think anything bad, and I would always push a ‘bad’ thought out of my mind as soon as it appeared. It was mentally tiring, I guess. So I gave up. If I am to be happy, I want it to be real and not me just being in denial. So now I’m back to being depressed. Although I have to say I am a lot better now than I was last a few months ago. I don’t really know how to explain it properly, but when I’m not depressed I don’t really feel any emotions. When I’m depressed, I am able to feel everything. It’s un-explainable.
Anyways, school is starting in a week and a half and I am freaking out about it. I used to be a good student but then I moved to another state and my new school is MUCH more competitive and harsh when it comes to grades. In the beginning of last year, I tried my best and I got okay grades and then everyone started pressuring me about college and not being in all honors and people think I’m ‘stupid’ because I’m in a lower math class and they think I’m ‘stupid’ because I want to be an artist, I’m ‘stupid’ for not being in all honors classes. It didn’t really affect me in the beginning but then everything people said started to get to my head and I started to see myself as stupid too. I realized that no matter how hard I tried I would never get an A and I would never fulfill people’s standards, so I decided to just give up on school and basically I got by doing the most minimum work required. My grades went down a lot, and I started to stress out more and more. It got to the point where I just wanted to KILL MYSELF [just like the year before, only for different reasons] and wanting to kill myself stressed me out even more because I thought I had gotten better. I was right back where I started.
My thoughts;
No college would ever accept you based on your grades, you will never have a future, YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A JOB AND BE ABLE TO LIVE IN NEW YORK, who would hire a photographer who failed out of high school? Everyone thinks you’re stupid. Everyone is judging you. YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. You will never be good enough. KILL YOURSELF KILL YOURSELF KILL YOURSELF.
That was pretty much me for a while last year. I am scared it will start all over again this year. I have to try really hard this year, and I am so scared because my school is exceptionally hard and I’m scared I won’t be able to handle all the work and stress and that I’ll just explode one day. I am scared that my depression will come back full wing and that I’ll do something drastic, like start cutting again. I’m just really not looking forward to school at all /:
2 comments
do not beat your self up for being not smart every body has to learn and grow it takes time even if you are not in honors classes with everyone else but when there is sadness there will be tears. go your own path and create a trail
Hey, people ranted to me about my grades. I didn’t have the best grades. But because I worked hard and forced myself to awkwardly get out of my ten thousand layered shell, I’m almost on a full ride for my first two years of college and I still have scholarships to help be pay for the last two. You just have to work hard. That’s all. Sometimes colleges don’t pay too much of mind to grades, so long as you have the minimum, they’re ok with it. They look at the essays too, if they want them. You just have to show them all that you’re worth it and that you are trying. If you feel stressed, go to the school gym, maybe, and start working out. Hell take up kickboxing, something where you can punch the ever living crap out of something.