I have Asperger’s Syndrome. I have every anxiety problem in the book. I have manic-depression. I am tripolar. I’m afraid of everything. I’m a hoarder.
There are so many things wrong with me, It’s hard to keep track of them all. It’s even harder to keep them under control. With each passing day, I feel my lucidity and self-control slipping away. The worst of it is, most of it’s genetic.
When I was little, I used to bully my little brother. I had no idea it was wrong, because that’s all people did to me. Eventually, I felt horrible for it, and I prayed that it would stop, that I would gain patience and self-control… That was my only prayer that was ever answered. In fact, it was answered so well that I became a living doormat for thirteen years.
I was placed in special education since the second grade because I knocked a pencil off my desk in an angry fashion. For six years afterward, I was tormented by both my mainstream classes and my own “special” classmates. Not a day went by when I wasn’t hurt in some way.
I started high school and wanted to join mainstream society… By that time, I had already developed a plethora of axiety disorders. Making friends was difficult, especially when most of the students were from the previous class that treated you like dirt.
I moved from house to house constantly, so whatever friends I made were always left behind. Eventually, I just stopped trying.
That’s also the time that I learned of my father’s fate. When I was one year old, he shot himself. He had a loving, supportive family that would do anything for him, plenty of good friends, money, a girlfriend… But the selfish fuck took his life and left us to rot.
My mother never payed attention to me. She gave me my legos and left me in my room. All Day, every day. When I came home from school, I went to my room. She would never play with me, or help me with anything.
I was always being punished and not being told why. It was always, “You know what you did,” or, “Don’t argue with me!”
Her dumb-as-dirt boyfriends weren’t any better. All of them left after I tried to open up to them. One of them held a knife to my throat and told me to kill my brother, then myself. My mother just watched.
My current step-father wouldn’t know how to be one if I shot him in the balls with it. I can’t stand the arrogant gorilla. Fucker threw me on the ground because of a misunderstanding with one of his friends. He doesn’t know anything about me. Maybe if I open up to him, I can make him go away?
My love life is… Well, let’s face it, I have no love life. The only girlfriend I ever had left me after a week. I thought it was going well. Apparently she couldn’t take the wait for me to try to get close (After all, whenever I open up, people leave me forever). She dumped me saying “She wasn’t ready to date men.” The next day, she tells me about her new boyfriend that she met on World of Warcraft. Ever since, she’s been telling me about each and every one of her boyfriends, every detail of her experiences. It became painfully obvious that all she ever wanted from me was to quickly lose her virginity.
I apologize for being the only man who wants a meaningful relationship that doesn’t revolve around or start with sex. Maybe maintaining the friendship was a mistake, but it’s hard to avoid coworkers.
I recall some girls actually liking me in high school, one even asked me out. But I was always too afraid to date. To this day, I refuse to date.
I can’t sleep at night because of horrific and terrorizing nightmares, and insomnia caused by it. I’ve tried sleeping pills, but I seem to be metaphorically immune to medicine.I’ve tried lucid dreaming, to face and resolve the nightmares, but that only led me in frustrating circles.
Aside from all this, I know I’m insane. I’ve always believed in something that I know nobody else believes in, and that even I know is absurd and infinitely improbable. I’m always hearing voices, seeing things, having thoughts or feelings that are in no way my own…
Having both Asperger’s Syndrome and anxiety disorders has led me to something like anxiety attacks, except different. These are like “emotional” attacks. It feels like I’m being assaulted by every single emotion I’ve bottled in, expressed, or never even had or felt in the first place, all at once. It comes in waves, and I get disturbing thoughts and images filling my head,Â followed closely by those disembodied voices. They last roughly an hour, and leave me in a burnt-out mess.
I always figured I would end up in a mental institution. I should have known that my pathetic attempts to reach out (Bad grades, annerving artwork, and even straight-up talking about it) would fail, and that everyone would just brush it off or laugh at it. You would think that, with how many people I’ve talked out of suicide (forÂ incredibly stupid reasons, byt the way), someone would turn around and give a damnÂ about me, but no. I live in constant fear that the only close friends and family IÂ have will kill themselves, but nobody stops to think about me. Do I hide it that well?
I’m currently facing financial issues, I hate my job, and I’m completely isolated constantly from the last people I have left that I care about, or care about me. I want to go to college, but I can’t seem to find any financial aid or grants. I see no way forward for me, I can’t see a future, yet I press on.
I’m currently twenty years old. I’ve been suicidal for six years, and I’ve been severely depressed for even longer. Every night when I go to sleep, I hope the nightmares consume me completely and I never wake up. But every morning I awaken, disappointed, and a little more depressed that the world doesn’t have the decency to put me out of my misery. Every night, I think of a new way to kill myself, but I’m too much of a coward to actually go through with it. Not only that, I think of the crater I will leave in all the lives I’m connected to.
I don’t know what to do. Every day is darker and more hopeless than the last. I feel like I’m wrapped in the barbed wire that is my past, bleeding my very identity, torn open to be displayed as a trophy in this black hole of sadness!
Sorry for writing a novel of a post, but there it is.