Eight letters…. I miss you

Is the pleasures of the afterlife being good to you? Or is religion correct and are you suffering for being who you were just like you were here? I never understood why you went back on your word right in front of me that night and did what you did, but now I do. The loneliness, betrayal, judgment and depression all got to you. You felt like no one understood you, and I thought you were wrong, but now I realize that you were right, no one did understand you or your struggles, not even me. I’m still not sure if I did the right thing by keeping your secret until the day you died rather than getting you help, but I’m learning to move on and accept that what happened is now history and that I need to look forwards, not backwards. This isn’t to say I will forget you, how could I? You were so much to me. A friend, a lover, a non biological brother, all at different times of course, but none the less, you were so much to me. Your birthday’s coming up in a month and a half. You would have been 18, so young, yet old enough to finally move away and kick out all this bullshit from this small town. They still refuse to believe you did it you know. They still think I pulled the trigger that night, but it doesn’t bother me. You and I both know what happened that night, and although I wish you had not gone down that path, I get it now. You needed to get away and that’s the only way you thought you could. It still hurts. It hurts so much that I’m still crying while writing this, even though it’s nearly been a year and a half since you left. But it’s like Rihanna says “Well that’s alright because I like the way it hurts”. Crying shows that I’m human, that you meant enough to me for me to feel something when I think of you. I won’t say too much else to you here, because it is all too personal. But just know that I loved you… no I still love you, not romantically, but love none the less. I just miss you so damn much and it just hurts to think you are gone. Not just for me or the others, but the fear that you are just as unhappy where you are than you were here. Please be happy… please. Love your little Bellz <3