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From the archives: Escape.

by sansesperer
THIS WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN IN APRIL 2012. I was still a lurker here back then.  I didn’t have the confidence to share this.   It paints a pretty accurate picture of where I was at back then.  I thought someone may be interested.
 
My therapist is correct.  The two underlying threads of my life have been seeking approval, and escapism.  When I don’t get approval, I need to escape.  I can’t give myself approval as I feel it is not warranted, therefore my only option is to escape.  If not getting the approval in my relationships that I feel I need, I usually escape by withdrawal.  However, I have gained approval from another woman, which has given me a chance to escape.  A beautiful, wonderful, caring escape.  I thought my feelings for my escape would eventually weaken as I eventually reconnect with the one to whom I am committed; this hasn’t eventuated.
 
Right now, the only time I feel comfortable is when I am asleep.  It’s a form of escapism.  I am at a point now where I am looking to sleep and never wake up.  I have to fight my primal urges of self-preservation that will prevent me from making this ultimate escape.  I am convinced, in theory, that a change of living status is a sound decision.  I have made what could almost be described as a business case for the cessation of my life: it’s just a long sleep and if others are affected then I won’t be around to see it.
 
There are 4 people I will miss, and wish nothing but the absolute best possible outcomes for the rest of their lives.  They have so much to offer; however what little I have to offer in return has been all but depleted, and I don’t know how or where to source more.  There are others that may miss me, but I really won’t miss them a great deal.  In time, those that were near to me will realize just how little I had to offer them, and they will continue on, and build great lives for themselves.
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imperfectluck 8/15/2012 - 5:50 am

Sans, I never knew you had a son. Isn’t that enough to live for? How old is he? If he is indeed young, how is he going to progress in life without a father figure. Me personally, I know how it feels and well, it’s terrible.

You have a lot to offer in your wise words. It’s pushed me to continue trying when I thought I basically gave up and made me somewhat of a stronger person.

I guess after your night out this is the conclusion you’ve came up with. It’s saddening, it truly is, crying for a person I do not know very well, but it’s saddening nonetheless. I hope by one swift miracle, things change around. I’d hate to see you leave.

Best of luck.

sansespérer 8/15/2012 - 9:03 am

@imperfectluck: I’ve done my test run. I found a couple of minor issues that I need to get sorted before I do it for real.

I’m not a very good role model at all. I had originally considered committing suicide in 2008, when my son was only 1 year old. My logic being that he wouldn’t remember me, therefore it wouldn’t matter at all. Whilst he is now 5 and thus would remember me, I think he’d probably get over it relatively quickly. The thing is I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I also want my own hurting to stop. It’s a tricky one.

imperfectluck 8/15/2012 - 11:49 am

He’s not going to get over it at all. Might just end up the way I am. I really, really hope you understand what great pain you’ll be inflicting on your son.

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