THIS WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN IN APRIL 2012. I was still a lurker here back then.Â I didn’t have the confidence to share this.Â Â It paints a pretty accurate picture of where I was at back then.Â I thought someone may be interested.
MyÂ therapistÂ is correct.Â The two underlying threads of my life have been seeking approval, and escapism.Â When I don’t get approval, I need to escape.Â I can’t give myself approval as I feel it is not warranted, therefore my only option is to escape.Â If not getting the approval in my relationships that I feel I need, I usually escape by withdrawal.Â However, I have gained approval from another woman, which has given me a chance to escape.Â A beautiful, wonderful, caring escape.Â I thought my feelings for my escape would eventually weaken as I eventually reconnect with the one to whom I am committed; this hasn’t eventuated.
Right now, the only time I feel comfortable is whenÂ I am asleep.Â It’s a form of escapism.Â I am at a point now where I am looking to sleep and never wake up.Â I have to fight my primal urges of self-preservation that will prevent me from making this ultimate escape.Â I am convinced, in theory, that a change of living status is a sound decision.Â I have made what could almost be described as a business case for the cessation of my life: it’s just a long sleep and if others are affected then I won’t be around to see it.
There are 4 people I will miss, and wish nothing but the absolute best possible outcomes for the rest of their lives.Â They have so much to offer; however what little I have to offer in return has been all but depleted, and I don’t know how or where to source more.Â There are others that may miss me, but I really won’t miss them a great deal.Â In time, those that were near to me will realize just how little I had to offer them, and they will continue on, and build great lives for themselves.