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Honey, Here comes a lullaby….

by Nat....

‘Well, I know the feeling,
Of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge,
And there ain’t no healing,
From cutting yourself with the jagged edge,
I’m telling you that, it’s never that bad,
Take it from someone who’s been where you’re at.’

Damn, I love Nickelback.

Anyways. Feeling depressed :I and obviously suicidal.

Did i tell you guys about the day before my birthday? Well, I didn’t really know much about Daniel then, I just knew that I had a voice in my head that was driving me crazy. For some reason I thought I could release the voice inside my head by scratching at my hand until I ripped open the visible vein. Obviously, It didn’t work. And now I have a beautiful scar on my hand. I don’t know how much more of this shit I can take, I’m so fucking nervous about this assessment. (don’t you dare say it, 1in7million.) Suicide is my easy way out, some people may think it’s pathetic and just running from your problems but to be honest i’m past the point of caring, And would rather be there than here dealing with those problems.

I miss Luis so much, I just want him back… So he can make me smile and promise that everything is going to be okay. Just like the old times.

Don’t worry though, this feeling will probably pass. It always does. My life and most of my emotions have now just become numb.

So maybe I will try again with releasing Daniel, Apart from this time I will use a vein in my wrist and a craft knife….


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lonelyash 8/11/2012 - 4:49 pm

i would just like to tell you one thing that you should go ahead with your assessment and diagnosis. Life is a challenge as they say and you have to win it. Its your life, YOUR FUCKING LIFE think about that before taking any decision. Everything will be alrite, trust me *BIG HUG* <3 . Anyways did i tell you that my mind is still lost in your eyes, its kind of stuck. Ironic but yea am still there. Whenever i see your post the first thing that comes to my mind is your eyes. They were magical. BTW who is Luis ? There are too many old posts and am feeling a bit lazy 😉

Nat.... 8/11/2012 - 4:58 pm

Luis was my guy </3 :/
And really? My eyes aren't that nice… O.o
I'm still going through with the assessment, i've waited way too long for this so not backing out now. It is my life, not his.

lonelyash 8/11/2012 - 5:12 pm

Thats the spirit get done with your assessment. All will be good for you, no funny voices and no seeing things, just a perfectly normal life. Heartbroken ummm :/ thats sad really sad, well hey we are here to support you and hug you and make you feel better so dont worry. Your eyes i dont know still am stuck on em. Really your pic just comes to my mind and is sill there, actually your eyes. Am lost. Maybe i have gone crazy here….

Nat.... 8/11/2012 - 5:21 pm

Normal life… Not possible.
Make me feel better… Also not possible? Nothing personal though.
Why my picture? I don’t like it… My eyes are creepy. My hair is fucked up. Urgh, You just fucking suck, Nat.

You’re not crazy..

lonelyash 8/11/2012 - 5:30 pm

Hey you dont suck at all !!! get that out of your mind. Go ahead with the assessment and even if you dont get the normal life you wish to have, you will definitely be better than what you are feeling now so YAY !!!! some improvement?? a way forward. Some progress made. I think you have to start loving yourself. That’s missing. You need to make peace with yourself NAT. Life is going to be fine and that is a fact. Dont get scared and run from it, it will really be good for you !!!! Accept it and see it that way. Its your life and you are gonna make it happen and improve it so fuck everything else in the world and love yourself.

Nat.... 8/11/2012 - 5:33 pm

I don’t love myself. I need to fucking kill myself.

Nat.... 8/11/2012 - 5:34 pm

Woah… I’m so sorry about that.
I’m doing the assessment no matter what. I need to know what’s wrong with me…
Life isn’t going to be fine..

lonelyash 8/11/2012 - 5:35 pm

ok now then lets see… why do you hate yourself so much that you want to kill yourself??

Nat.... 8/11/2012 - 5:37 pm

Everything. I hate evrything about myself? :/
Ugly.. Fat.. Crazy.. The usual. Apart from the crazy part is true…
I hate this world. It’s sick… I don’t want to do this anymore.

lonelyash 8/11/2012 - 5:41 pm

I have seen your pic and i find you to be a nice looking cute girl with lovely eyes (how can i not write about the eyes 😉 ) Can someone or something change it for you?? you got to ask yourself. Everyone has that one thing or one person that can motivate them or rather pull them out of this. You just need to ask yourself, the answer lies there in you.

Nat.... 8/11/2012 - 5:43 pm

I want Luis back..
I’m trying to move on but it’s so damn hard. Obviously he’s not my main reason for suicide.
And that’s just your opinion. Also probably only saying it to make me feel better about myself.

lonelyash 8/11/2012 - 5:49 pm

No im not saying it for the sake of it. I really truly from the bottom of my heart find you cute and a nice girl with beautiful eyes. Ask others out there they will say the same thing about you. Moving on from someone you love when you are depressed is really very difficult i know that, but its not impossible. There are so many others out there NAT. Maybe running behind and thinking about Luis you are missing out on that special someone who is made for you ?? You need to give the world and life another chance. Try it give it another shot. Look out there, you will surely find someone more loving and caring. You are a very loving and caring person and i know that, just dont kill that feeling. Let it revive you.

Nat.... 8/11/2012 - 5:52 pm

Well, I don’t see it.. But thank you anyway.
I will move on, i love him so much but i know we’re not meant to be.
That feeling was killed a long time ago..

lonelyash 8/11/2012 - 5:55 pm

So what else can revive you then? There must be something and i must say this that love inside never dies. It just goes away for a while but returns just when you meet that special one.

Nat.... 8/11/2012 - 5:58 pm

I don’t want to live anymore, lonelyash. I can explain why properly but.. I’m just done. Nothing can help that now… Some people will probably think that i’m way too young to end it now but i feel like i’ve lived long enough…

lonelyash 8/11/2012 - 6:03 pm

Sorry.. dint mean to sound pushy but wanted to try once. Just wanted to try once if there was 1 % chance that you will change your mind i wanted to take it. Now then if you are so head strong and have decided so be it. But just want to say that i really loved talking to you and hope you get what you want out of life <3

Nat.... 8/11/2012 - 6:04 pm

People always love talking to me. Whether or not it’s just a popular thing to say on this site, i really don’t know. But i don’t find myself entertaining or intersting at all.
Thank you <3 I appreciate that you tried to help… I really do..

Silentblue 8/11/2012 - 6:35 pm

Nat, love yourself a little more))

Nat.... 8/11/2012 - 6:38 pm

No point? I’m going to die soon anyway…
Maybe that’s what the 27th of september is all about.. That’s the day i should kill myself?

Silentblue 8/11/2012 - 6:41 pm

You have a thing with numbers as well?

I see 23 everywhere, both times I woke up was in 9:23am and 1:23pm. then today I got one email to each aol and gmail, both adding to 23 emails….

Nat.... 8/11/2012 - 6:43 pm

I have OCD to do with 3 and 5..
And daniel told me about the 27th of september, He said something was going to happen..

Silentblue 8/11/2012 - 6:49 pm

I felt that way for the date of Dec, 23 2010. Nothing happen. seen a lot of 12, 3, 23…
who knows.))) writing my last post) I’ll share it with everyone

I have OCD thinking, with that day dreaming, but no longer day dream because that’s replace by a girl. so OCD love?

Nat.... 8/11/2012 - 6:50 pm

OCD love? Haha, And who is this girl?
You make no sense, sometimes. 😉

27th september seems like… A good date? You know..

Silentblue 8/11/2012 - 6:58 pm

I know, sometimes its not fun making sense… make things “so serious”

I feel bad I had no poem or nothing to write on my last post… Any date is good if you make it so.

Nat.... 8/11/2012 - 6:59 pm

Poem? Serious?
You know me so well :3
Anyways, Most of my posts’ titles are actually song lyrics. I get the feeling that Daniel is trying to tell me something about the 27th…

Why so serious?

Silentblue 8/11/2012 - 7:05 pm

I wanted to write a love poem for my last post,…
I was confuse if I would ever share the poem I wrote when I first become suicidal
EVEN if I die, wouldn’t want another to take it as their ideal… maybe I could edit it on photoshop, then upload.

are you considering doing something of 27th of this year?

Nat.... 8/11/2012 - 7:07 pm

I’m always considering doing something, But yes.. Or in november. They both just seem.. right? And that’s important to someone with OCD.
Last post?… Please don’t leave me..

Silentblue 8/11/2012 - 7:11 pm

Nat, don’t worry)) I hope you like my post) it be mix of love and sadness… I’ll post post it once I see if my picture upload fine.

Nat.... 8/11/2012 - 7:13 pm

Looking forward to it : )
I’m always worried? O.o

Silentblue 8/11/2012 - 9:15 pm

Wrote it…. and got headache lol. Nat Pleasure to speak to you. won’t forget you. And don’t be afraid of the future))

Nat.... 8/11/2012 - 9:17 pm

Please don’t go..

Silentblue 8/11/2012 - 9:25 pm

don’t go to mountains.. or leave you??

If you ever felt like there was something you had to face, and until you do you will never be right in the head then you will understand. you not so alone, but we all here make ourselves alone. but this place helps us come together and I want you to take control over any other voice in your head telling you what to do. yet I know it could be fun at the same time.

Nat.... 8/11/2012 - 9:28 pm

I don’t know why, but after reading your last comment. I panicked. I don’t even know what about… But it was literally like a mental breakdown. I get them a lot so this was no surprise. I just don’t like the fact that i’m just getting to know you and now you’re going… I don’t know how to deal with this, I don’t want to lose you. Or anybody.

I only have daniel. At the moment, She doesn’t talk to me. Just stares at me.

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