I felt suicidal as a teenager, 20 years ago, and never thought it would happen again. I’m a trained mental health worker, I know the signs, I know who I am supposed to call, what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t see the point. Up until May this year I thought suicide was a sad act, and now, I think it is a viable option. Infact, I’ve come up with my own therapy, I have a plan. On the 26th of September 2014 I am allowed to take my own life. Four months before this date, decision making goes in to lock down- as in- I have made a pact with myself that four months before that date I must have made a final decision. If I decide at that point that I will not end my life- then I am not allowed to change my mind- this is to prevent impulsive actions. If I decide at the four month mark that I will take my life, I am allowed to change my mind at any point. I want to make sure that I am of sound mind, and that it is not a rash reaction to something that will simply pass in time.
I no longer feel guilty, because I think anyone who is angry with me for ending my life, is selfish- how dare anyone expect me to live another 40 miserable years for their sake. They weep for themselves, not for the person.
I have already closed one email account. I have destroyed my mobile phone. I have one email account left, which I’m thinking will be closed down within 6 months.
I want to die with dignity, I want to die with friends and loved ones around me, I want to openly talk to people about this, as a potential viable option, with a measured, calm approach. It’s frustrating and sad this isn’t really possible due to our culture’s fears surrouding death.
2 comments
it is sad that when somone as yourself makes a plan and is giving it time that people probably wont support you in it. but of course they dont want to live without somone they love. and i think they cry for themseves in the grieving but also out of sorrow the person had to live in pain and they couldnt do anything.
yes, this is a nice way to point this out, thanks. While you’re spot on, I do have a lot of people who love me, I’m not connected to any of them, and I rarely see family. We could go a year without contact and it’s no big deal. I speak with my mum and dad once a week, it’s very superficial and boring. I agree they will feel sad, but I am confident everyone will move on comfortably. I’m thinking of buying a one way ticket to India, losing my passport once there, and see what happens then. I’m hopeful my remains wont be identifiable anyway, everyone will think Im having a lovely time for a couple of years. Then, it will be questions like “hey, I wonder what ever happened to…”