I don’t know what I want anymore

At all.  I  hate the person I become when I’m actually achieving something in life (schoolwise, at this point).  And I hate the person I am when I sit at my computer all day playing games.  I could totally be a fucking mooch if I wanted.  Who am I kidding, I’m a fucking mooch right now.  24 years old this Sunday and I still live with my parents, who pay pretty much all of my expenses.  Especially school, which I’ve been in since I was 18.  Granted, I’m going to a state school and my parents are not poor, but I still feel like shit about all the wasted money on changed majors and failed classes.  I pretty much have no friends and don’t speak with anybody in my classes.  I haven’t had a girlfriend for over a year, and all of my relationships have crashed and burned.  I haven’t had a serious girlfriend since I was 20, and I honestly don’t know if I can count any of the ones after that.  I have put zero effort into socializing and don’t care to.  When I’m not playing games or sleeping, I’m fantasizing about death.  My death, your death, everybody’s death.  I’ve recently thought about buying feeder mice (the live kind you give to certain reptiles) and killing them.  Maybe I’ll start with dead ones though.  Why am I so obsessed with death might have to do with what I reluctantly call the demon.  Society would probably blame me playing video games all my life, which could also be true.  But there is what I feel this strange presence within me.  Sometimes when I close my eyes I can visualize my tormenter.  Its appearance changes but the most often and striking image is of a very gaunt, crimson red humanoid with magma for eyes and a pair of horns on its head that twist and contort into each other into some kind of tangled mess.  It is full of hatred and I feel that its hatred is constantly seeping into me.  I am constantly afraid of my surroundings and driving at night (when I’m usually awake) is terrifying.  I would purchase a firearm but I am convinced that the government has me on some list and is monitoring my activities online.  Any attempt to by a firearm legally would surely lead to me being taken in and questioned, probably detained at a mental hospital.  Occasionally I log on to bestgore and ogle at dead bodies and videos of people being decapitated.  Fucking internet.  I secretly think that the 9/11 attacks were brilliant in many ways.  While I am quite aware that many of these ailments can be treated with medication, I’m on enough fucking medication and the ones that work for delusions and such are hell to be on.  And yes, I’ve been on several different kinds, all with unbearable pains.  I’m terrified that I may have an STD because I have had unprotected sex with several girls I just met (once on accident, another because of my own stupidity) but haven’t gotten tested.  In fact all of my sexual encounters were with complete strangers.  I am hearing impaired, and am likely to go completely deaf due to wearing headphones at max volume most of the time.  I rotate in and out of bouts of heavy drinking and self mutilation.  Mostly self burning because it’s cleaner and I like fire.  I wonder how long it takes to die via self immolation?  That could make for an interesting public suicide.  I practice jumping off heights in video games to get used to it in case I choose to go out by jumping.  I might just hang myself in the basement.  I don’t know, but anything to make this all stop.