I just want to be happy.

I’ve been battling with depression my whole life. I got on anti-depressants when I was about 13, but I caught a lot of flack from my dad’s side of the family so I stopped. I continued struggling until I was about 18 and decided to get back on the pills. It seemed better at first, then it got worse. I was contemplating suicide at least once a week. It was getting to the point where if something in my day went wrong, I would have mini breakdowns in my room. I would cry and curl into a ball and wish horrible things upon myself. I told my doctor and she decided to put me on a different pill, this time partially for anxiety. It still didn’t help. I graduated school and started to smoke marijuana. I must say, it definitely works better than my anti-depressants. I got off them again, because I didn’t feel like they were helping anyways.

But recently all those negative feelings have been coming back. All I seem to do is sleep. I lay in my bed for countless hours a day, just thinking about everything that’s going wrong. I’m 19, living on my own, no job, no money, no friends (aside from my roommate.), no “other-half”, only cats. I’ve been looking for a job, but I live in a college town, and it’s starting back up so it’s becoming increasingly difficult. I feel very stuck right now. I’m 4 hours away from my previous home with my mother, and I’m only a month and a half away from being homeless. I know my family is extremely disappointed in me. See, I’m a pretty smart girl. They all know I could be doing better than I currently am. But I feel like my depression is holding me back. My realism and cynicism keep me from living a happy life, but I’m not sure how to change. All I see is the negatives in things. For example, I would go to college but what’s the point if I’m most likely going to have to leave where I am in a months time? I doubt I’m going to get a job that soon. I’m royally screwed. And do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to have finally branched out on your own and then have to revert back with nothing to show even though you’ve been graduated for over a year? I don’t want too, and don’t know if I can, deal with it anymore… I feel like my life is spiraling downwards, and only I can bring it up, but I don’t have the fight in me anymore. All I feel like doing is crying and thinking about more regrettable things.

I don’t know what to do anymore.
I honestly just want to be happy.
But I feel like that’s not possible at this stage in my life.
I know I’m only 19, and people say there’s a lot to look forward too, but I don’t see what.
I don’t want kids, I don’t want to get married, I don’t want to work and have a career and go to school and be in debt just to get to a happy place. Not that there’s anything to look forward to once you die (I’m an atheist, after all). But at least in death you don’t have the constant struggle to keep your head above water.

Most days I feel like I’d be happier if I wasn’t amongst the living.  Of course I’m not going to do anything rash, besides I’m to chicken shit to anyways… but if I don’t find a solution pretty quickly, or a glimmer of hope, or reason to live, I am afraid of the possibilities.