Since I was 14 or 15 I’ve detested living, but for the most part I’ve hung in there for other people. I tried back in 2000 (and obviously failed) to overdose on xanax. Apparently, I didn’t take enough. When I woke up I was PISSED. I ended up in the hospital for 3 weeks. The last several years of my life have been as far from positive and happy as it can get. Lost my job and after living in another state for 16 years I had to move back in with my parents because I have NO money left. My father will not speak to me because he is ashamed of my depression and all he does is judge me. The last 3 men I dated I knew before dating them (2 were good friends before) and they all screwed on me, the last one who should have known better considering he told me I was his best friend, especially took the last bit of my soul and destroyed it. So now at 44 years old I’m unemployed and living in my mothers living room. Way to go! I’m back at “home” after being away for 16 years and I feel more alone than I ever have. I’ve got a plan and a huge stash of pills. I’ve picked out my headstone, epitaph and casket. I found this epitaph online and it suits me to a tee: Smart Humorous Irrelevant Tormented. SHIT. I’m done. I’m not doing this anymore. I’ve had enough SHIT in my life and it’s time to say goodnight for once and for all. I’m done living for the sake of others. People say that people who take their lives are selfish. I’m sorry, but I think people who guilt those who’s lives they don’t understand nor can relate to in any way are the selfish ones. If they understood how I’m anxious 24/7 and how there is absolutely no point to my being here, maybe they would get it.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
10 comments
I will not judge you in any way, nor am I judging you now. But, pills aren’t the best way to go. You may just OD and end up in a hospital again. You might want to look into a different method; unless a few of those pills are cyanide.
I don’t know what country your in, yet the economy of the world is crap, so don’t beat yourself up to much for being uemployed living back at your mothers. No one can beat us up as badly as we beat ourselves up.
I’m feeling pretty shakey at present also, I wish I could get a Dr. to prescribe benzoes, yet they are so addictive and the hardest meds to stop taking from what I hear, yet I want them, I want to zone out.
Benzoes seldom end peoples lives accept when combined with other meds and or alcohol.
At 51 yrs I feel like there is no way to restart my life, yet I see it happen all the time in AA.
At this age you’ve certainly the right to end your life. Of course as caucajun said, recovery is possible at your age.
Do a google cauajun.You can get benzos online.I’ve bought nitrazepam,klonopin,and valium before.
853 hows things.u a man or woman?
I’m sorry you feel like shit. It probably not an accurate way to describe yourself but sorry that’s how you feel. Although I agree with the other posters pills are not reliable.
@boom I’ve never tried buying benzos online as I don’t know hitch sites to trust can u recommend anything?
Hi Pasquelina. You’re only 44? Plenty of hope for you yet. I’m 50 and life only really began for me two years ago when I met my partner. Even so I spent the subsequent 16 months suicidally depressed over my son who is 16 and not managing to get his shit together even at his tender age.
Since I recovered from the depression (no thanks to Citalopram antidepressant sadly)we have largely sorted the issues we had, and are now both happy and secure in the certain knowledge that in each other we have found our soulmate.
This is not to say I walk around with a silly smile plastered on my face 24/7. I still have good days and bad days and so does he. But I know that i need have no more episodes of psychosis (I’m bipolar), because i’ve got someone to watch over me, look after me and care for me full time. Not just anyone. That special one.
I know there is a danger of just making you feel worse by telling you this. But my hope is that you will realise that your life can start making sense at ANY age. And when it does, it gives you a different and more positive perspective on the suffering you endured previously in your life.
If you’re interested in what brought me just read my stories. I assure you that I have well and truly ‘been there’ by any standards.
Bless you Pasquelina.
Zoe x
one_day.I better not say as the site isn’t exactly legal.They are dodgy dealers I get mine from,but their are online Pharmacies,but they cost a lot more than a Docs prescription
Boom if you like u can email me the site. I put up a post just now about feminist ranting: if u comment on the post I will have yr email, then I can send u my email. I dot like to post my email publicly. Either way it’s up to u
Hi Zoe,
Thanks for the kind words of wisdom. I’m glad that things are working out for you and your son and that you’ve found a happy position in life. My life so far has been one huge heart break after another and I honestly don’t see how that could change. As a friend of mine once said “If you didn’t have back luck, you’d have no luck at all”. And it’s all so true. I’ve just gotten to the point where I’m tired and I just don’t want to do this anymore.
Thank you everyone for your comments and words of wisdom/advice. I know we all have our problems, and I know unemployment is pretty bad almost everywhere, but this is only a small part of the big picture for me. I’m just sick of feeling like this and all the meds, counseling and trying to keep myself occupied has done nothing to help me.