Lately…

I’ve no idea when this started, but I’ve been getting this dominant voice in my head. I’ve thought over it while it was gone, and I’ve realized that I’ve named it. Her name is Belle. Belle is someone who wants to ‘drive me out’ and take over my body for herself. I thought about this long and hard about how long ‘Belle’ has been around. If I really think about it, she’s been around since I was in about third grade. Third grade was when I was really treated as an outcast. So I’m guessing that Belle is an imaginary friend… that never went away and kept developing with me. Seventh and eighth grade, she was there. She kept me sane, for the most part, and was the one person I ‘talked’ to. I usually didn’t say anything out loud, I would communicate with her in my mind. I noticed as well… when I met Niel, the one who changed my life forever and loved me, she hated him. She kept saying how he would betray me and abandon me just like everyone else. The first two months she kept saying this over and over, she was so aggressive. I heeded to her words and was cautious around Niel, then I decided that Belle was jealous and I told her to shut the hell up! She did. She would only make small comments every now and then, but when I was with Niel, whenever I thought of him, she was gone. Then a few weeks after I found out Niel had cancer, she came back. She didn’t attack me, but she spoke. I remember what she first said when I began thinking that Niel wouldn’t live. She said ‘I told you he’d abandon you.’ It scared me. I told her to shut up. This wasn’t his fault, it was the last thing he ever wanted. She laughed at me. She said ‘Just wait and see. You’ll scream for me.’

The scary thing was… she was right. I did scream for her. When Niel died, at night I screamed in my head for her. I had no one else to turn to. Niel was dead. Who was I going to talk to? I screamed for her. I scratched her name on my arms for her. She sounded so… full of herself. ‘What? Why so much noise? He die? Oh… I am so sorry. But I warned you, I warned you that he would leave you behind.’ I was groveling at her feet, I know I was. And she was so happy with that. A few times that I fucked up, I noticed she was behind it, that she was the one who encouraged me to do it. And back in December/January, not even a month after his death, I noticed lapses in memory that I couldn’t explain. A few people who were with me then told me what i did. I was horrified. I had sex with a man that I hated because he tortured my used to be best friend and hated Niel. I did drugs, heavy drugs, with him. I didn’t know I had done this. I never remembered this, yet I was told this happened by that damn man. He told me how eager I was to do drugs and how ‘sexy’ I was when we… did it. I never remember this happening. It concerns me. I asked Belle to explain this. Did she do this? She laughed. ‘I’m punishing you for ignoring me.’ She keeps saying that. Is she being jealous? Why is she doing this?? I don’t want professional help because, I know this is bad, but looking up all sorts of symptoms for mental disorders, I don’t exhibit very many outstanding signs of them. Should I look into it more or what? I don’t know what to do! I’m afraid that she’ll do something to me.