Right now, I am contemplating life. What’s the point? Purpose eludes me. At this moment, I don’t see much point in going forward. My life is mediocre at best. And even if it gets better.. what is “better,” and what is it really worth? Does better mean more money? At this moment, I couldn’t care less about money. Money can’t buy happiness or love. It could buy me a house, but what would I do in it that I don’t already do (eat, sleep, bathe, find ways to entertain myself..). I could go back to school.. to do what? Get a better job to make more money and… yeah.. pointless.
I used to believe, actually I still believe, that we are here to love each other unconditionally, to be compassionate and build each other up. However, this world, at this time, has such a warped view/idea of love that we are thousands if not millions of years removed from a truly loving reality. And guess what. My mortal body was not going to make it that long anyway.
I have discovered that you can be goodness, love, compassion, and kindness and the very people you were all of those things to will still treat you as if you’re worthless. How incredibly painful it is to come to that realization! That love does not seem to conquer all.. at least not in this lifetime.
In this lifetime, people have, ironically, allowed their moral code to disregard true, unconditional love. They have allowed antiquated, cultural ideas and taboos to make them into oppressors and xenophobes.. dividers instead of uniters. I don’t even feel that I belong here.. in a world full of hate.. a world full of coldness and selfishness.
Some people may ask or wonder if I contemplated what would happen after I killed myself. Where would my soul go? Hell? Well most people believe I was already heading there being that I am a same-gender loving person (lesbian, gay, homosexual). So, what would it matter?
Right now, all I feel is pain and worthlessness, and it’s only compounded by thoughts that won’t end.. thoughts that fill my waking moments and my dreams. I’ve tried mantras and prayers, journaling, listening to uplifting music, as well as talking to family and friends.. but the pain persists. I just want it to end.. and I don’t think I’ll miss much in this world besides my family, whom I live away from anyway.. and with no dependent children or significant other I don’t think I’m needed much here.. No one will probably find me for a week or so and that’ll only be because they’ll be looking for someone to run the dais on the weekend.. Otherwise, i could fade away…
And this all makes sense to me. None of it seems unreasonable or illogical. Most people fear death or think someone contemplating death is crazy, but I’d argue that people only feel/think that way because death is a mystery. There are so many ideas about the afterlife and if there is an afterlife, but there’s no way to know for sure.until.you die.
With all of that said, peace out. You can have this warped world. I’m over it.
To my mommy – I love you. You’ve been the best mom.
I would like to be cremated but if not, just please don’t put me in a dress.