New here, so here is my story

So this will be a long one. I am 20 years old and a trainee hairdresser, I had Meningitis when I was 4, I live with my boyfriend and my housemates in a house share, I have depression and anxiety and I cannot cope with my emotions. I suppose things started to be difficult for me when I was 8 years old, I had a pyscological issue where everytime I got in the car I needed to go to the toilet desperately, this was also at a time when my Dad hit me quite frequently. I saw a therapist about the problem and it was all solved, around this time I used to be terrified of fires and being gassed so I would make my parents check the fire alarm every night and I would pray nothing would happen. I suppose I only realised this was a bit strange very recently. Anyway the usual teen years began, I started self harming at 12, had my first love at 13 and when we broke up when I was 14 I went off the rails a little. I started smoking, smoking drugs, sleeping around and generally hanging out with the wrong kind of people.

I then was with a guy for 2 and a half years from the age of 16, he straightened me out a little but made me miserable I realised I struggle to stay faithful in relationships and always want something more ( I am bisexual and I struggle being with a guy because then I also want a girl, greedy I know).During my last year of school I got a very long drawn out Glandular fever which really ran me down but then I got into a great uni with great grades, and really enjoyed everything about it. I met my boyfriend and fell head over heals in love and everything was going well, but I kept having a couple of months of being in a dark place. Then last november I started getting very depressed and started to not be able to get out of bed for my classes, and realised I didn’t want to continue at uni so I dropped out. I got a job at a presigious central London hair salon as a junior, and I hated it, I didn’t feel like I fitted in at all ( I am an over weight, pierced, tattooed, oddball compared to the perfectly pruned and fashionable girls who worked there) around this time one of my dogs died.

In January I tried to overdose and failed miserably! I took 8 diclofenic and two sleeping pills and then panicked and ran to my boyfriend who called an ambulance, nothing happened at the hospital and I felt so stupid for doing such a shit attempt. The next few days after that I was in extreme lower back pain and vomiting all the time so I was rushed into A and E with suspected pancreatitis, stayed in overnight and nothing was found wrong. I had some investigation done and found I have a Hiatus hernia and I have always struggled with IBS, so now I am on daily medication for this. Then I got a new job and I really enjoy it, me and my boyfriend are going well ( even though I can’t stay faithful and he knows this) he puts up with so much from me with my fluctuating moods and intense breakdowns I have.

Recently everything has gone horrible. My dog who was with me through everything passed away 2 months ago and then two weeks later I found out my nan has pancreatic cancer and it is terminal. I then found out my best friend from primary school, mum had passed away in May and then my other friend from school, her dad had a heart attack and passed away a few weeks ago. My best friend in the world, dad has prostate cancer but luckily its early and my other close friend told me her dad is in hospital with maybe only weeks to live depending on the treatment. I still haven’t got over my dog dieing at all, I miss him so much. But now I am just trying to deal with my nan dying, I have been able to spend quite a lot of time with her and she is just so ill and clinging on to life. My dad and his sisters are having constant arguements ( she is their mum) and everyone is finding it so hard just knowing she is dying. I have realised now how hard life gets and I hate it, I can’t stand life becuase it is way too hard to cope with. I am terrified of death but I am even more scared of living, I just wish that I would get killed and die so I don’t have to deal with anything anymore. Everything is just so hard to deal with.  Anyway sorry for the long story, I’m sure most of you didn’t get this far to read this!  I don’t know why I have written this or what I want from it.