This Stare. This Steely Gaze

Lately I’ve been pulled in by this weird trance like gaze. Anything I look at I start to key in and never blink. Behind the stare in the eyes is sadness, bitterness and impatience. My lids seem frozen in time, my teeth lock, and my heart slows to a crawl (not sure if literally). I then shakes my head and keep doing things at lightning speed. Rush rush rush. If I can’t die then I have to force myself to be blindly fast. Unfortunately my blinding fast is going from a snail to a tortoise. It’s faster for me but not really fast to everyone else. Then I stop. I start to go in slow motion literally. I turn my head around to look at everything around me. I turn my torso some to look behind me, I bend my knees to look below me. Nothing’s changed. Then the gaze comes back. The longing, the hatred, the loneliness, the sadness, the bitterness. It all shines through my tearless eyes. All I can think then is I want to go “home”

Recently I and a group of friends and associates have made a great accomplishment. A project we worked on since 2009 is finally done and completed with blood sweat and tears. Everyone’s grown. Everyone survived personal hardships. But I am the only one I know who wants to die now that the loose end is tied…………………..A long pause with a hard cold gaze…..

It comes back to my being a coward. All are entitled to their opinion and now I don’t care any more about that either. But I am not brave enough to die by my own hand. No tools. No gusto. Just the ideal and the mental visions. A bullet to the head and a fall into my grave under that tall shady tree on a farm I’ll never have. I’ll probably struggle. But I’ll struggle if it means that after I can finally die.

I want to know why I needed to be placed on this beautiful green rock with everything gone awry. I don’t fit anything here. I’m like a jigsaw from the wrong puzzle being jammed into a Thomas Kinkade. I don’t fit and no amount of glue, no amount of edge trimming will make me blend into another’s masterpiece. So I ask why? Broken from childhood and now my mother makes amends. Closure. But that doesn’t fix the mess I am now. Rejected by my peers. Rejected by love. Rejected….Reject…

Life close calls, Life’s rejections, Life’s obstacles thwarting me when I try to come above water. I no longer want to fight so please let me drown. Don’t tease me with a helping hand only to lose grip and drop me. Don’t offer me a crumb and take it away. Don’t bring me a smile only to show me something horrid to wipe it away. Don’t bring me opportunities if it always leads to a dead end. The end is dead in every way sometimes.

The gaze returns hard and cold. Here comes a headache to keep it company. A wave of sadness to settle it in. I’m not capable any more. Just because I’m here it doesn’t mean I’m here because I’m strong. I’m here because I can’t find a way to leave in the way that makes sense. It’s possible to find hope if you have it already. Look around in the wrong way and you’ll find hope.

I’ll look around. I’ll fall. I’ll have trouble getting up. And then I stand. Then I’ll fall again.

I do not like the rollercoaster of life, because that’s what it is. But if you like the rollercoaster. The tall winding, one that also goes to the heavens, and hells. The one that goes underwater seeing how long you can breathe. That same one that will give you a breath of fresh air. If you like that idea of a rollercoaster ride. Then take the challenge. This ride.. This LIFE is for you.