I wanna die… I have the resources to do it but instead I’m writing this…
My name is Derek and I’m from South Africa and I’m 21 years old. I guess I have what you would call an average life. My life was always great and I was someone who was always happy, always smiled, was always optimistic, I really loved life… Until a year or two ago…
Three years ago my mom had died(from organ fauilure due to diabetes) and that was the end of the little perfect family that we had, we’d never had much but we were always happy. After that my dad and I sort of grew closer and had a really good relationship. About a year and a half ago he’d introduced me to his girlfriend(at that time), I’d known her because she was a teacher at the school he worked at and she was really cool. I liked her because she was a music teacher and I love music(thanks to her I now own a couple of guitars and can play them quite well). Everything was cool for the next few months and our whole family loved her, I wished and thought that they would get married and sort of thought of her as a mother figure… Then about a year ago he’d introduced me to his girlfriend(he’d been cheating and eventually broke up with his former girlfriend) and her family… I don’t really judge people and I try not to but they just aren’t my type of people… I was brought up in a Christian home with good morals and values and they were the opposite. They now live with us and we’ve grown closer but I still feel as if I’m alone… It’s just like my dad really doesn’t care anymore, I often talk to him and have to repeat what I’m saying about three or four times before he hears me and asks what I’d said… I stay in my room most of the time and just read and do stuff on the computer. I used to have a lot of friends but I don’t know what happened, I’ve got no friends and I don’t really go out anymore.
I’m good with computers and stuff and have wanted to be a programmer for a few years now, recently I’ve got an apprenticeship as a programmer at a small company near my house, I also do some graphic design and stuff for a printing company from home… I feel good when I’m at work, it’s the only place I enjoy being and the people there are all friendly, it’s a really good environment(unlike any other job I’ve had), but sometimes(like today) I just don’t have the energy to go into work. I’m often up late at night thinking about stuff and thinking about suicidal things like hanging myself with razor wire or jumping on my bike in the middle of the night with no gear or helmet and riding as hard as I can hoping that I’m in a fatal accident…
I don’t even know why I just wrote all of this, I guess I just wanna share a bit about my life and how I feel(way worse than I’ve described) and say thanks to everyone for sharing their stories because by reading them I’ve realised that there are others with much bigger issues to deal with and I shouldn’t even be thinking about suicide…
I know I’ll think of it again tonight and I’ll be up all night, my life seems to be getting better, I’m doing a job that I love, I work with nice people… I just don’t know why I feel like I’m alone all the time and why I always feel depressed, I can’t get my happiness back… I wan’t it so bad…. I hate feeling this way!