why am i even alive…

ive been through alot since childhood, ive seen my mom being hit and bleed, ive gone to school scared of coming back home and not finding her alive because dad killed her, ive seen my baby sister die infront of my eyes and i dont remember telling her i loved her, i remember the days dad dint come home cuz he was SOME WHERE ELSE , i remember when he went to sleep like he dint give a shit while my mom had a miscarriage, i remember every word he said to her that made her cry ….i remember dad repenting after my baby sister died he never got better and he never became a better person…

i have always gotten what ever i wanted dad baught me everything i wanted and he still does but i fear him like a monster i dont know why….i remember every moment he put me down and said i am worthless and that even the devil would disown me until i started beliveing it …..i belive i am worthless and that my personality is weak infact i dont even think i have one…….i tried commiting suicide more than 10 times and it never works and noone even notices that i am depressed……..and when ever i speak out all i hear is accusations of trying to grab attention…….

i dont know how to write what i feel nor do i know how to express my feelings…i just want to close my eyes and never wake up i just want to slip away and never feel anything…….

i feel like a failure, a disappointment and something that shouldn’t have existed in the first place, i dont even know what they have made out of me.

i know the end is going to be ugly….i guess i just have to wait till it comes…..and then no one will miss me….no one will care…and no one will notice…