Crushing loneliness

Ever since I can remember I’ve been alone. When I was a baby my dad left and I’ve never met him, my so called mum wanted to give me to foster care but my nanna stepped in and took me in. My poppa mostly ignored me when I was growing up and he and my Nanna divorced when I was 10. I lived with my Nanna for a year. When we were living together she started a relationship with this guy and all I remember is her telling me it had ended with him because I was a bad kid. Then she sent me to live with my poppa. My poppa made me lie for him, to every body that we knew and tell every body that he wasnt gay, even though he was. We lived at a place that was famous for suicides for about 2 years. Ironically it was while we were living here that I first developed suicidal depression. At school I was constantly bashed and bullied by most of my class mates and at home my poppa and his boyfriend were always getting drunk and fighting with each other. On the weekends my poppa would send me to stay at a friend of his place. My poppa knew this friend of his was a known pedaphile and every body could tell that I was being sexualy abused but nobody tried to help me. This guy was 52 and I was 11 when the sexual abuse began and it continued until I was 14. When I was 13 I was also sexualy abused every day for 6 weeks by a 19 year old and a 42 year old gay couple. I’m completly straight, which makes it all that much worse. I moved back in with my nanna and her new husband who was violent and abusive towards her and I always stood up for her. This resulted in him making her choose between the 2 of us and she chose him. Now days she claims it was to protect me but I remember what happened. She shipped me off to another state to live with my uncle who was on the run from the law and was on drugs. I dont know how you could call that protecting me. I stayed with him for a term and he couldnt handle my strong suicidal depresion so he sent me back to live with my poppa and his boyfriend again in there violent relationship and once again the sexual abuse from my poppa’s friend began, until I ran away. When I ran away I went to live with my so called mum. When I was living with her I opened up about the sexual abuse and she had me make a police report, which is the only good thing she did for me. She got several copies of the police report though and handed them out to every body she knew, pretty much. She also blamed the sexual abuse on me over and over again saying that “the report made it sound like I wanted it”. I didnt want it I was 11, vulnerable and was manipulated by a much older person. I wound up running away and went to live with my Uncle and Aunty. They promised they would never give up on me but the first time that I felt suicidal they kicked me out and into foster care. The only good thing about being in foster care was getting to live with my little brother for the first time in my life. DCP also wound up putting me into mental hospitals a couple of times due to me trying to commit suicide. Then I got into a relationship with some body who was as misberal as I was, hoping that we could make each other happy because we understood being misberal. We had a son together. For 4 years we were together and only fueled each others misery. Then we split up and I became an alcoholic. I did alot of things during the time that I was an alcoholic that I will have to live with for the rest of my life but I wont go into them on here. I got myself away from that scene and sorted out my life. Moved into a backpackers and made a family out of my friends from there. Then I moved away and lost touch with them all. Now I have severe trust issues and I always feel alone. I actualy feel most alone when I’m around other people because I have trouble letting people in and people only see what I want them to see. I know that nobody can understand the pain that I go through and that if I let people in they would never even begin to be able to comprehend me so That would not even help with my crushing lonliness. Every body seems to think that I’m better and more than I realy am and I try so hard to fulfill their expectations of me but I always feel like I fail them. This is the most any body will ever know about me and you people dont even know my name.