Fake Smiles

I went to school today. I waited for a few minutes before getting out of the car because i saw someone who might be my friend and I wanted to avoid talking to him. I got into school and in one way had all these thoughts rush into my head but also felt numb. I almost stared hyperventilating. When I saw my “group of friends” none of them even got up to hug me. I hate how I feel inadequate to the people who are supposed to be my close friends. i can’t even talk to them about anything even a little negative because it will just scare them away and they’ll want to be with happy people. Everybody today was smiling and hugging, and with an artificial smile plastered on my face, I felt so alone like I didn’t belong. instead of being excited to see my “friends” I spent the whole day thinking about how easy it would be to just leave. to not deal with the phoniness. The idea of spending every day for the rest of the year exactly how today was….terrifies the hell out of me. it almost seems not worth it. I’m just really scared, scared and numb.