Hello all,
I have the urge to declare my sanity and justify my actions. I doubt that anyone will be convinced that this was the right decision. They are all too caught up in what they believe is sane or what they believe is “good” or “happy”. I believe it is my right to decide what I do with my life. It is my goddam decision! We all preach to the rest of the world about “freedom”. Well, how “free” are we really if society can’t accept someone’s decision to end their life? The word suicide is shunned and scorned. A person who commits such a “terrible and ungodly act” is considered a coward and deemed selfish. What they fail to understand is the greater scheme of things. We as individual humans believe oursleves to be the end all and be all. This is an illusion. One life, Ten lives, hell even a Thousand lives are not as important to the World as we believe. There are Seven billion of us here, Seven fucking billion! Why does one life matter so much? Give me one rational reason other than the usual rhetoric I hear.
I don’t “feel” happy. I don’t “feel” sad and I don’t “feel” angry. These are just empty, meaningless words to me. All I have is a cold sense of numbness. This is not life. This is torture. I can vaguely understand what it must be like for other people. I can tell they’re not faking their smiles… or maybe they’re just better at faking it than I am. Who knows?
Having said all that I feel I can leave you with a reason that those few that are close to me will find closure in. I believe that I’m a psychopath. I have read numerous research papers and the symptoms and behaviours described match those of mine. I don’t want to turn into some asshole who murders people or beats his kids. I’d rather end it before I get there.
Thanks for reading!
dededone
4 comments
I love this post.
Those researches are bullshit, you are not a psychopath just because they say so.
“Psychopath” in my opinion, has become somewhat of a compliment. Who wants to be “well adjusted” to this sick society anyway?
http://suicideproject.org/2012/08/revelation-3/
http://suicideproject.org/2012/09/just-kiddin-abraham/
With society in the state that it’s in, why would you expect to feel anything other than numb. Everyone collectively lives out their mundane existence in the unison of “sheeple” beliefs and goals.
I’ve been wondering whether my son, who is 16, might be a socio/psychopath. He has very flattened emotions too. Tho’ he seems ‘happy’ enough in his own bubble, it is not a happiness most people could recognise. That you find being like this ‘torture’ makes me wonder what is going on deep inside him. People may judge me for being a terrible mother but I have to say I fear for what he could do to others…not necessarily physically but in terms of emotional/mental abuse.
That’s not very helpful to you Dededone. I hope you can discover some reasons to live, and being self-aware of your condition if it is one, could at least maybe limit any bad consequences it might have for others. That said I guess you could well be pathologising yourself unnecessarily: your numb feelings may be down to something like depression instead. Zoe x
I hope it isn’t the case, but even if it is don’t feel like you can’t change. I used to be pretty unstable aswell. Like Jeffrey Dahmer unstable. I didn’t have any empathy for people, suffering didn’t affect me and my emotions were all jaded, but then somehow i managed to grow a heart.
I hope you can find reasons to live.