Fucked

I’m fucked. I’m fucked up. My life has been fucked. My life continues to be fucked.

I abandoned all hope in any religion years ago. Wanna know why? Because if God were real, all he’s doing is fucking my life. Hard. No lube, no condem. Just rape babies of misfortune. One right after another. Isn’t it fucking strange how when one little good thing happens, a huge shitstorm follows? Isn’t that strange? I thought it was fifty fifty. A nice compromise. But apparently, little shit called God doesn’t give a fuck. He’ll fuck you over until you’re dead and rotting. Maybe even past that! What made things worse was when all the sunday school teachers thought I was odd, that I didn’t belong in church. How is she still here? Hun, why don’t you wear brighter colors? You look disgusting like this. Clara… what are you doing? That’s a horrible drawing… And then the kids. The fucking kids. In church, in FUCKING CHURCH I get the shit beaten out of me. AHAHA! Thanks god! Protecting someone in your own fucking house! Oh you’re so fucking kind. Just fuck me over more and more.

I think I do ok on a math test; bam. Half my shit is stolen from my desk. Oh thanks. THANKS A LOT. I do a drawing that I can take pride in, one that has color and is adorable! Two pandas in a forest! It’s adorable! No. Fuck you. Let’s make a kid ruin it by scratching all the crayon off with a fucking pencil and spill some extra shit on it. FUCKING GREAT. Oh fuck I got an A on my math test, holy shit! Go home, hey I got an A! FUCK YOU. I had a bad fucking day at work. I hate your fucking father, I hate you. What the fuck are you looking at? Why are you even fucking here?? Aren’t you supposed to be in the fucking road? Huh? Don’t you have friends? Why are you fucking here?! An A? That’s only because you don’t socialize.

Thanks mom. You’re such a *****. All those times you insulted me, still insult me, and will insult me, I’ll remember them all when I piss on your grave. If I even give you one. Fuck you. I don’t want to believe in anything. I’ve lost my heart when I trusted one man. ONE. The only person I ever considered opening up to, after all those years of shit and being tortured and taunted. ONE. I can’t even have one, can I god!? Nope! Have to fuck me more, huh!?! The one person I love, the one person I can trust, the one person who doesn’t give a shit what I like, how I look, what i do, THAT ONE PERSON YOU KILL!!! FUCK YOU GOD. I don’t believe in you. If you exist, I FUCKING HATE YOU. Sure sure, other people have it worse. But it does mental fucking damage if you tease like this. Oh, give the ***** a day of good times. Now for the next week we’ll beat the shit out of her. Yes, thank you sir!! Give me more because I know you fucking will! Let’s make her fucking crazy. Let’s make her not even trust herself. Fuck her. FUCK HER HARD. I’ve no friends from elementary like most people do, hardly any friends from high school. NONE from middle school. You know what I do have? A scar on my forehead from where people stoned me, burns on my arms from where the assholes I ‘Nanny’ decided to do when they got bored with smoking and watching tv, the fucked up knee from when a god damn gang of people pushed me down a fucking hill, fucked up ankles from FUCKING CHURCH CAMP when I sprained both BOTH on the SAME FUCKING DAY and your fucking ‘followers’ said I was over exaggerating and I should just walk it off. Well look whose fucking ankles swelled bigger than softballs, asshole. Nope, fuck her, she’s weird. Those aren’t real swollen feet. They’re fake. So let’s put her in the most active group of the day. Go hike ten miles, play some tag, climb the rock wall, and run to everywhere we go. THANKS SO FUCKING MUCH. You know how much I cried that day? My legs were numb from pain. Before that I thought my eyes were going to fall out. I didn’t even get any ice. No pain killers either. That fucks with a ten year old’s head.

How many times have I been abandoned in huge fucking places with shitloads of people? Damn, I don’t even know. Girl Scouts, field trips, school, family trips, all sorts of shit. I remember being left outside of a theater in Columbus. You know how fucking scary that is for a seven year old when it’s ten at night? IT FUCKS WITH YOU. I stood there for two hours before someone came to look for me. AND ONE PERSON. OUT OF A HUNDRED. THANK YOU. Or in Girl scouts! Selling cookies! I had to do all the sweaty work, of course. And then a fucking dog decided to be rough. Guess who couldn’t abandon the cookies because that what the mule does? Yeah. Couldn’t run with a wagon full of cookies. Tore the fuck out of my uniform. Thanks assholes. Left in a parking lot because I had to go the bathroom before everyone else. Walked home. FIVE HOUR WALK. No one even asked where I was. NO ONE. Left at the zoo I don’t even know how many times. No one looked for me. When it got dark, I decided to look for the car. Happened every damn time. And I got screamed at for LEAVING THE GROUP. FUCK YOU YOU LEFT ME. Then go to Washington DC for a school trip. Guess whose group hates her guts? Oh yeah. ME. Nearly was raped because I was alone; he changed his mind because I was FUCKING UGLY. YES HE SAID THAT. Almost mugged. Almost. The guy took pity on me because I was already crying my eyes out from having a panic attack. Because I was left. Left. When everyone was driven back to the hotel. Had to walk back too. Three hour walk. Got back at around one. And I got screamed at.

Where did you go?? Why did you leave us? Fuck you. Fuck you all. You leave me behind and don’t give a shit. I came back one time from a little trip to downtown Columbus, we were going to see the nutcracker with idiots, they left me. Of course. So I’m walking as fast as I can to where I think is the car. On the way I see someone getting attacked. I did a good deed. I got in the way. Got the shit beaten out of me. They were in a fucking rage and didn’t realize who they were hitting. When they did realize who they were hitting, I had an iron grip on his balls. I found the car, I was bleeding. Yelled at for being late and leaving the group. Then I couldn’t even get in the car because I was bleeding. Didn’t ask me what happened to me, just assumed I tripped or something.

I have trouble in school. I don’t understand shit. Well who cares, freaky emo chick. Fuck her. THANKS A LOT FUCKERS. You can all suck monkey shit. I get yelled at for poor test grades. Sorry, I don’t fucking understand the material and teachers hate freaky emo chicks. You know, because I’m just going to kill myself anyways. Shit gets stolen all the fucking time. Get hit in the head all the time. I get headaches all the time because I’M HIT IN THE HEAD EVERY DAMN DAY. Even my fucking parents do it. They pass by BAM. ‘You stupid *****, more your fatass.’ Thanks so fucking much. This shit fucks with you.

Grown up with being told that everything EVERYTHING is my fault. It fucks with you. Makes you think you can’t keep anyone or anything. I couldn’t keep the one person who made me truly happy. Who made me feel wanted for once. I couldn’t even keep him. Not him. No. I just want to give up so badly. I want to give in to everything people throw at me. I don’t give a fuck sometimes, you know? i want to join in with those fucking morons I nanny. I want to have sex with every fucking moron who’s bored who happens to know me. Fuck it. Who’s going to care anyways, huh? I hope someone fucking kidnaps me and tortures the fuck out me. Just cuts me every fucking day and makes me cry. Someone do it. Just do it. At least I’ll be serving some kind of purpose. Go ahead and kill me. You can even say it’s my fault you’re doing something to me. If I die, who the fuck will shed a tear? I’ve lost those people. The most important is dead, the one I swore to protect doesn’t talk to me because I’m not fucking worth the effort, and everyone who says they care fakes it. I’ve overheard their shit more than once. ‘God she’s so fucking stupid…’ ‘I’m surprised she’s still sane.’ “Why do I even know her again?” ‘What the hell is wrong with her…’ ‘What a screw up.’

Thanks guys. You think you’ve helped. Fuck you people. Fake fake fake fake. That’s all you idiots are. That’s why I can hardly trust anyone! You’re all so fake!! You talk shit and even say things that you wish would happen to me. Fuck you all. FUCK YOU ALL. I’ve imagined times when I begged someone who threatened to kill me to kill me. Sometimes he thought what a miserable existence is this chick living? Then takes pity on me, becomes my best friend. Then there are time where I’m just killed. And I always feel so damn happy after that. My head is been burnt many times, my heart is gone. My soul was damned from the beginning; as if I ever had one. My body aches everyday with the pain coming with living this piece of shit life. Sure there are ‘good’ things. But are they really worth all the shit I’ve gone through? I’ve had my heart ripped out many times. I’ve lost the one person I wanted to keep for the rest of my life. I know everyone hates me. Everyone hates me in some way. It’s just human nature. I fucking hate humans. So damn much. I fucking hate myself. My own damn self I hate. For letting this shitty existence even exist.