I’m a fifteen year old girl in the 10th grade and I have never felt so miserable in my entire life. I’m tired of being that optimistic girl that fakes a smile for the sake of everyone else. Most of my friends know about my depression but they think I’m okay at the moment. Last night I was almost positive I wanted to die, but instead of acting on the instinct to kill myself, I just lied in bed shaking and crying. I could never tell my mom that I feel like I want to die sometimes because it would either break her heart or she would think I’m looking for attention. Without going into my life story, all I can say is that I’ve been extremely depressed for the last four years now. It’s the worst feeling and I honestly don’t think I can handle life anymore. Each day I wake up I just feel worse. The thing I’m confused about is if I truly want to die or not. I’m scared but I do often think that things would be so much easier if I was dead. The funny thing is that the real reasons that I’m scared to die is because I’m afraid that it’ll hurt. I’m also afraid that I’ll be missing out on something and that I’ll regret it, which is ironic because I’ll be dead. I’ve considered suicide and I’ve attempted to act on it but not far enough to really kill myself or harm myself. I remember two times that I was almost positive I was going to kill myself. The first was at home after my mom and gone to work and we had been in a huge argument. I was in my room and constructed a noose out of one of my belts and hung it in the closet before trying to hang myself. I didn’t have it around my neck tight enough to not be able to get out of it. I struggled for a bit trying to breath before giving up on trying to kill myself. I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t just me being upset because of the argument me and my mom had or if I really wanted to die. The second time was at my boarding school. I have a huge bottle of melatonin because I have insomnia. I had a bunch of pills in my hands that I was determined to swallow, but I couldn’t. I was terrified. I have labeled myself a coward. I’m scared to die but I don’t want to live. I cry almost every day because of how much I hate myself. I don’t like being around people because I hate putting on my fake smile, but when I’m alone I just want to die. I have never felt so much pressure in my life and at this stage I just don’t know what I want or what I want to do. Am I just really depressed, or do you think I should talk to someone about these suicidal thoughts?
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7 comments
I’m fifteen as well, and I am having similar conflicts. I want to die, but trying to find a painless way is, to put it simply, a real *****. Almost a year ago I tried to overdose on advil but it didn’t do anything except make me tired and forced me to tell my mom in fear that I would truly die. I recommend not overdosing because it apparently causes your livers to fail which is a horribly painful death. I also worry that I’ll be missing out, but you made the interesting point that we’d be dead, so we wouldn’t have anything to miss. As for your life story, I’d love to hear about it.
I think you should talk to someone for sure. The fact that you are having these thoughts so often scares me. I feel the same way but have gone further and tried it 3 times. I’m now 31 and have been in your shoes and still get the thoughts often.
If you feel depressed and suicidal then there must be some reason behind this feeling… Can’t you try to kill those reasons before you try to kill your life? TAKE CARE..
i have the same problem. dying would solve everything, but im terrified of pain. and every now and then ill have a really good day, when i think to myself, i might not have experienced today if id killed myself
overdosing is a bad idea too. it likely won’t work, and you can trash your liver. one woman ive heard of has to get weekly injections just to keep it working after she tried to overdose
Self killing is obviously a bad idea if it fails. We should try to find the alternative ideas first to fix our goddamn issues..
http://suicideproject.org/2012/09/by-clicking-on-this-entry-i-certify-that-i-am-18-years-of-age/http://suicideproject.org/2012/08/revelation-3/These are two of my entries. I don’t know that they’ll be of use, but hopefully it will explain some of the truths that the politicians, priests and parents, fail to mention.