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I just want to not be lonely

by drowninginloneliness

Basically I feel like I want to die most days. Some days I am ok, but I am a very depressed person, I let my depression consume me. I really need some anti-depressants, but I am still waiting for my health insurance to kick-in so I can see a psychiatrist. I believe in God, but I don’t understand why I feel bad enough to want to kill myself. I’ve been thinking about killing myself for years but something always stops me. I don’t think I will actually kill myself, but I have thought about how I would do it.
I am currently living in Philly, and I just moved here for a job (post-college) but I have only one friend that lives close enough for me to see. I am extremely lonely and just want to know that there is a point in living. What is really ironic is that I like helping other people with their problems, and I cannot help myself. I love to help other people with their problems, but I have NO self-confidence/ self-esteem. I work as a social worker helping women with mental health issues and a history of homelessness reach their goals, and do whatever they need, yet I have too many of my own issues to really be able to help them. It is such a shame.
I don’t remember what living with self-esteem feels like. Every day I hope that I will get a smile or a “hi how are you,” from my boss and I am usually disappointed. I really like her and all I want is her to ask how I am doing, and she rarely asks. I don’t think she has any idea what a big deal it is to me when she just smiles at me, because that gives me one reason to not kill myself that day. When she does ask me how I am doing, she still keeps her distance because she is a “professional–” and of course, my boss. I just want someone to freaking listen to how I am, and not ask out of courtesy. Why do people not listen anymore when someone asks “how are you?” Because I would tell him/her straight up how I am. I am drowning in my own loneliness, and lack of self-worth. I really just believe I am not worth living. I never get feedback at work about my work, so I don’t even know if I am doing anything right.
I have friends but they just don’t live here, and I don’t see them. I really just want a hug. I need someone to tell me that I am worth living and that I shouldn’t kill myself. Please give me some suggestions or words of advice/comfort etc. Thanks.
drowninginloneliness

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11 comments

Scar504 9/25/2012 - 9:04 pm

I’ve always believed that in the power of kind gestures. I always tell people that they don’t know how big a deal it can be to someone when they do something simple like ask how someones feeling, and you’re living proof that it can matter. I’m sorry you’re feeling lonely; perhaps you could go out and try to meet some people in your area, if you have any hobbies you could try to find people near you who share them. Don’t let the darkness surround you; it makes it so much harder to find friends.

Much love <3

drowninginloneliness 9/25/2012 - 9:19 pm

Scar,
That’s exactly what I’d like to do— meet new people. I just don’t have the confidence for it, nor do I know where to go to meet new people. I’ve tried looking online and then I just get frustrated because I can’t find anything (geographically) close enough for me to get to. And thanks for posting. Kind gestures really are important. Thanks.

Scar504 9/25/2012 - 9:34 pm

Are you looking for some place in particular? You can find friends anywhere, perhaps you could simply try spending more time out and about. Take walks in local parks, go to the gym, anywhere there are people you could spark up a conversation with. Sure it may not happen over night, but at the same time you could be doing enjoyable and productive things that also help to boost your confidence. If you’re close to any of your coworkers you could try inviting them to do something.

And np, kind gestures are infectious and carry over from person to person. I am infecting you lol.

User425 9/25/2012 - 9:55 pm

I think look at what always stops you from killing yourself and build on that.

Francesco 9/25/2012 - 10:32 pm

^ nicely said. find that voice that says you should live, and become friends with it. cherish it, make it grow a little every day.

doing volunteering work usually helps to cure loneliness.
and since you’re being kind and helping people while asking nothing in return, it raises your self-esteem.

hope_hinders 9/25/2012 - 10:44 pm

I feel your pain. I used to have friends then I became a disgusting self-loathing piece of sh*t then they all left me. I don’t believe in much of anything anymore I’m just waiting for the oppurtunity to blow my brains out when it presents itself. I’m in college right now but I don’t see the point in pursuing a career when I know I’m gonna be lonely and miserable anyway.

drowninginloneliness 9/26/2012 - 6:18 pm

Scar,
Yeah I don’t really care where or who… just someone. I was going to just go to a park today and it rained. Maybe another day. Unfortunately there aren’t any co-workers that I really feel like would care to meet after work for dinner, board games, tea, whatever. There is one lady I like but she is too busy to meet outside of work.

drowninginloneliness 9/26/2012 - 6:20 pm

425,
I think what mostly stops me from killing myself is my faith, because I know that killing myself doesn’t really solve my problems, and God what would be pretty irritated if I showed up dead too early. Also, I think that it is not fair to kill myself because that would jsut end up hurting a lot of other people, and I don’t want to do that to them.

drowninginloneliness 9/26/2012 - 6:21 pm

Francesco,
I’ve thought about volunteering briefly. I’ve been putting it off because that means actually building up confidence to start looking for a place to volunteer, making that initial phone call. It’s like I know what I need to do, but I’m dragging my feet kicking and screaming.

drowninginloneliness 9/26/2012 - 6:23 pm

Hope_hinders,
I totally get that. I felt there was no purpose in finishing college, especially when I really had idea what I wanted to with my life. Really who knows what they want to do with their life when they are in college? I lost a lot of friends over the years because of my negativity and the ones who stuck it out I don’t even talk to or see that much because I don’t live near them. It sucks feeling so alone, and just wanting to blow your head off.

Scar504 9/26/2012 - 6:59 pm

If that’s the case, then volunteer work would probably suit you. Even if you don’t become close friends with anyone simply being around and talking to other people would probably help to ease the lonliness. Just find things you enjoy doing that provide you with the opportunity to meet people; that way even if you don’t you’ll still benifit.

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