i screw myself over

My one friend left doesn’t live anywhere near me. I was supposed to spend the weekend at her house, and to be honest I couldn’t wait because I needed to tall her everything that’s been going on with me emotionally– she was the last thing keeping me from going over the edge. She just told me that lots of people are going to be at her house this weekend. I guess its a combination of my social anxiety and the fact that when Im around new and many people its just gives me depression meltdowns where I can’t even do anything about them, and just that I hadn’t seen her in so long that i just really wanted to spend the whole weekend really just telling each other everything. The fact that I almost killed myself three times in the pst two weeks and that I spend most of my days thinking about death and hopelessness, I really just needed to talk to someone and she was the only person I could actually talk with. Well anyway, I just told her that I can’t go. I don’t know what to do with myself now.