I hate my life so much. I am thirty-eight years old and I have never felt the warm touch of love before in my life. I literally have no friends and have not had a stricken of luck for 10 years. I have tried to take medicine, but it never works, it just makes me more angry. The thought of doing it satisfies me, but when it comes down to it I am pathetic and cannot do it. I have schizotypal personality disorder and I also see and hear things. Not only am I depressed, but I enjoy the sight of blood and I love physical pain. My only defense is to shut off my emotions and just be empty. The only thing I see out of myself is a coward and someone who is a danger to his self and others. I wish I could just end it right now…  but.. i just can’t… I swear when I man up I will do it. I will…
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OMG! That seems like the worst horror to deal with. I have it bad with bipolar compared to your disorder it’s not so bad. I’ve heard that medication helps. Have you tried different ones?
Yes, I have tried over 8 different medications. My body becomes to used to them too fast. Like they stop working after a month fast. Sounds crazy because some take a while to kick in, but even my docter(s) have told me that too.
Do the synthoms come and go or is it a permanent state?
Permanent
Wow! I don’t know what to say… Have you ever been happy in previous years? You said your luck ran out 10 years ago, what was better then?
I have no clue. I just lost all of my friends and was continuously bullied in highschool. I lost my social abillities and became awkward. Than i developed my personality disorder with the fascination with blood (for got to add that I want to kill someone to watch them suffer too). Then I just started living alone and I tried many types of medicines and they never worked. The only one that seemed to work when I was too ignorant to try some medicines when I was younger was Marijuana, but its not worth the criminal record for something so stupid that could make or break a job. I have no idea why I lost my sense of belonging or anything, just those are ideas that come to mind when people ask me that question. I have no idea if those are directly linked to why I am or not.
You sounds somewhat similar to me except without the dark evil side. At least you can say you gave things a go. Don’t hate on others.
It must be very scary to feel like you want to kill someone and the fascination with blood is certainly not common. So you say you have a job, I gather. How do your co-workers perceive you? You say you have no friends so do you get along with them?
@User425, I’m afraid it could be something he can’t control? I don’t know. Chemicals in the brain can be more powerful than will.
I do not get along with them that well, they are only associates and I could care less about them. I don’t bring my personal issues into the work place, or well I try my best to suppress them and leave it bottled up inside. I hate everyone equally if that makes sense.
Do you feel love for anyone?
Only for my parents, whom which I haven’t been in contact with them for a long time.
Why not?
Don’t know where they live or their number anymore. Btw if I dont respond, I went to sleep. Work tomorrow.
Ok, good night.
When you hear things; is it like a comment from someone near you that is specific to your insecurities? For instance, when I am working sometimes I hear people call me dumba** from across the room, but they’re whispering. Logically, I know they didn’t say it, but at the same time it is so real I can not differentiate what is and what is not actually happening. Other times, I will hear full sentences like, “He stinks so bad.”, (and I do not go anywhere without showering moments before) and it is devastating. I am just wondering if this is how your auditory hallucinations present themselves. Since you do not take medication are there ways you deal with it to help you function?
I think the negativity is probably whats feeding your issues try the opposite to loving people.
I mean try the opposite of hating people which is loving people.
When you hear things it is impossible to like someone. In my experience, when you have auditory hallucinations and out right paranoia you inevitably hate people. It gets even worse for me when I make a connection with someone. My psyche plays tricks on me. I perceive things they say in a negative light, and I will hear them say a snide remark behind my back. Hallucinations bring an entirely different brutality into the framework of the social dynamic. They cannot be cured simply by a ‘good’ state of mind.
Of course I am not trying to speak on his behalf, but our situations sound so similar it is hard not to chime in. I was once a happy person I loved many people unconditionally and I understand what it means to do so. Simply loving with this disorder is never enough.
I have to agree with anthropophobia.