It might be the only way

I really don’t want to commit suicide, but in my case, I think it may be my only way to avoid a life of complete suffering for many more years.

I’m a single, middle aged woman, no children or spouse.  I have siblings whom I no longer can have a relationship with, for valid and good reasons.  While I have friends, and I appreciate them, they have their own families and their own lives, I cannot count on them to alleviate the loneliness.  I’m incredibly, incredibly lonely.

But, I’ve always been a “fighter” … until now.  I’ve gone through trial after trial through my years on this earth, alone, and fought hard.  I always tried to stay optimistic, but there is a breaking point for every human being.  I’m terrified that I’ve reached mine.

I live alone, for now.  I’ve been unemployed for over two years and quickly losing hope of everything — feeding myself and keeping a roof over my head.  Believe me, I’m an intelligent and decent looking person, yet I simply – simply – cannot find a job.  I’ve gone on interview after interview and have been turned down.  Ageism for the jobs I’m qualified for, and for the jobs well “below my experience and skill level’ — I’m not even considered, even though I’d take one. Those prospective employers look at me at if I have three-eyeballs, and if you’ve ever gone for a minimum wage job after years making a larger salary, you understand what I mean.  It’s not pride, it’s simply that they won’t hire you.  The adage “take any job” isn’t quite so simple.

So, now I must decide if I want to live my life alone — struggling — in a women’s homeless shelter for the remainder of my life.  The thought of the constant and never-ending struggle to simply survive, as I get older and my body grows older, is too much to contemplate.  Ending it may be the most humane thing to do for myself.

No one really cares.  I’ve called suicide hotlines only to have an operator, in a rote voice say “so how do you feel”  … what do you mean “how do I feel” … I’m calling the suicide hotline, isn’t that a clue.  Trying to find mental help when you’re unemployed without health insurance is like trying to find a needle in a haystack, only worse.