It’s me again…

I was doing some reading on Bipolar II, and under the category of “Hypomanic Episodes”, one of the symptoms is “Unrealistic optimism”. I wish I hadn’t read that now. It makes me wonder that this optimism that I’ve held onto so tightly for the past few days now is unrealistic, this dream of finding a job and moving to California.

I don’t really feel like I’m in a “hypomanic episode”. I’ve been there before, I know what they feel like. I don’t have the increased energy or happy go lucky feeling or strange impulses. I’m still struggling every day to make myself get out of bed just to take the dog outside, and I’m trying so very hard to keep thinking – keep making a plan of how I’m going to do this. How I’m going to get out of here and get a job, find a place in Cali, move myself out there. Step by step by step, I’m thinking, thinking, thinking. I’ve even looked around at apartments online in a specific place in California, just to get an idea of prices to set a goal toward.

I’ve been talking to my cousin, who actually lived in California for three months. I asked her, if I moved there, would you come with me? Because I know how much she loved it, how much she didn’t want to leave. She told me, “In a heartbeat!”. She’s been looking at prices on places out there as well, and told me that when she was there how she was able to budget money for her family and how she made her dollar stretch.

So if that works out, and she comes with me.. then I would have a roommate, which would be good for so many different reasons. I know her, I trust her, she knows the area. I think it would make the transition a little easier.

I had an epiphany last night as I was talking to my cousin. We had such a deep conversation, and it felt so nice. My epiphany was this: Over the years I have gradually cut people out of my life until I’m now down to having no real friends in this area. No one I can just call up and say “Hey, let’s go do something.”. Sure, I have acquaintances – but none I would consider real, close friends. To be honest, a lot of the people I cut out of my life, I didn’t do it because I just wanted to be alone or didn’t want friends or whatever. I did it because the majority of them were either liars, cheaters, manipulative, and just flat out night right for me in a friendship kind of way. But then some just drifted away.

We were talking about this, and also talking about how if we really made this happen, could we leave people behind? She said it would be hard leaving family and friends behind but when it came down to it, there were only a handful of people that she would really miss and those people could come visit. That made me think, well I have no one. No one but my dad.  So it would be relatively easy for me to go, I wouldn’t have to say any sobbing goodbyes or have people ask me to stay.

And then it hit me…

Maybe the reason I’ve been slowly & systematically removing people from my life, getting rid of all these unhealthy friendships and relationships and not bothering to start new ones is because deep down I knew I wouldn’t be here much longer. Maybe it’s been part of God’s plan all along. When the thought hit me it was with such striking clarity that I know it has to be right. Knowing that, feeling that moment of clarity, gives me hope that my thought process is on the right track.

If you don’t believe in God, I suggest you click away now. Please don’t comment with “God isn’t real, idiot!” – it’s fine if you don’t believe. But please, don’t try to sway me or bash me in believing your way.

I’m not a hugely religious person, however I do believe in God. My religious beliefs are mine – they’re not the same brainwashing quote for quote from the Bible type teachings that you see. I have my own thoughts, my own beliefs about God & Jesus Christ. But that’s not something I want to get into, the point of bringing it up is this.

The other night, I believe it was the night I found this site, or the night before.. I was lying in my bed sobbing. Not the few tears here or there type sobbing. I’m talking chest tightening, body shaking, making sounds type sobbing. The kind where you need a sheet, towel, or lots of tissues.

During this sob fest I hurt so much inside. Everything was crushing down on me and I remember thinking, “Please, God, help me. I’m so tired, I hurt so much, and I’m so tired of being alone. Pleeeeease help me.”

Within 5 minutes my brother had text me on Facebook messenger, my cousin text me on my phone, and my friend (the one that’s drifting away) text me saying she would call me in a few minutes. It’s this that makes me think God is listening to me more than usual, and it’s what helps me hold on to the belief that this dream that I have – this “plan”, might actually work.

Something else I talked to my cousin about.. this is the exact message I sent her:

Me: “I’m serious about this though. I may have to find a job here first and go from there, but I’m blowing this place. There is NOTHING here for me. I don’t even feel like I belong here anymore. I feel like… Honestly.. and this is going to sound crazy…”

Her: “Nothing sounds crazy to me.”

Me:  “But something is pulling me out there. There’s this sense of urgency that’s been in my chest all week. It’s really unlike anything I’ve felt before. It’s like I’m supposed to be there. Like I have to get out of here and very soon. There’s not even a decision for me anymore. It’s not ‘if’ anymore, it’s ‘when’ and ‘how’.”

And that’s exactly what it feels like. It feels like something I know deep in my core that I’m supposed to be out there, and not here. Like there is something waiting for me there. I don’t know what, I can’t explain this feeling.

Again, I’m not naive. I’m well aware that if I can pull this off, if I can make it out there somehow, I very well may think I’ve made the worst mistake ever. I may hate every minute of it and wish with everything I have that I could come home. I know that I could get out there and fail, fall flat on my face and end up homeless or dead. But it really doesn’t feel that way. I’ve never had this kind of optimism before.

I just need to… get on it. I need to put together an organized plan of action – and to be honest.. I’m not quite sure how to do that. But I think I have a solution for that.

I go to therapy on Wednesday and I plan on telling all of this to my therapist. I actually plan on printing out all of my entries from here, taking them to him and reading them. I find that I’m able to really open up if I can write it down first and then read it to him.

Maybe he will have an idea of how I can really put together a real plan of action. I don’t want to talk to anyone else about this right now. I’m honestly scared of telling anyone else because they may tell me I’m aiming too high. If I’m honest with you, there’s no one I know that would tell me that I “can’t” do it. The people in my life (my parents, my cousin) have never told me I can’t do something. That has never been the problem with me.

But anyway, this has gone on long enough. I’ll end with this.. you may be wondering why I’m writing ideas and dreams of hope and optimism on a suicide website. It’s because I hope that there is someone else out there who takes the time to read what I’m writing and think to themselves, “Look at her. She’s depressed, she’s down, she’s fighting the urge to do it – yet she’s making plans. She still has some hope, she still wants to do something. Maybe I can, too.”

And I hope you do.

Goodnight, world.