I’m new to this, and I seriously don’t know if I need to introduce myself. But hi, I’m really pissed right now, and if you’d like to be I’ll-read-your-blog-and-say-something-useful, I think we’re gonna be realll good friends. 🙂 I’m really not on this to create a sob story of my life, because my life is seriously not bad. Or terrible. Or horrible. Or suicide-worthy. It’s just a life. My life. And there are times when I just wanna scream at the world, and I found this site on Google. Seriously.
Recently, I turned sixteen and I’m not expecting much. Let’s rewind back and take a little trip down memory lane. I was born, woohoo. I was spoonfed, loved, and nurtured, woohoo. Then, I grew up. Not good. I came across some of my worst memories. One night before Thanksgiving, I remember my mom being at work. My dad was watching us. We watched a movie (me and my little brother), while he started yelling on the phone to his brothers back home). I went to bed, and awoke to shouting at 3:00 am. “Give me my fucking property back! My bank won’t take my cash! I can’t use my card cause its declined so please give it back you bastard!” He was talking to his brother, and he was slurring. Yup. Totalllyyy intoxicated in some deep vodka. I remember sitting on the stairs, at age 11, silently crying and eavesdropping on the phone upstairs. Curse words I never heard before, raging voice at a volume I never expected, and the effects of alcohol heaving out of his mouth. I admit, it was one of the most scariest things I encountered at that age. It scarred me, and although it’s not the worst situation in the world, it definitely made my list in my mind as one terrifying night. The next day, I quietly told my mother about what happened. Who can keep a secret from their mom when they’re 12, like seriously? When my mom started going off on him, he looked at me. There was pain, humiliation, recognition, a bit of anger, and a dazed mask (thanks to the alcohol still lingering). It’s funny how many things a two second glance can give. That was my most memorable Thanksgiving, and what did I write when I got back to school? “Dear journal, This Thanksgiving I had a lot of turkey with my family. We laughed and ate it, and gave thanks for everything we have been blessed with! It was so much fun!” Go figure, lol.
After this, life started running towards me fast. It didn’t delay its bitchiness either. I learned who my true friends were… only after being back stabbed by one of my realllyy good (at the time) friends of 8 years. It made me stronger. I’ve had to let my drunk father lean on me after a wedding because he was so drunk, he couldn’t even walk in a straight line. It was humiliating, and I was around 13. Buuut, that’s not today.
Today is an angry day. Like I said, I’ve only been sixteen for 23 hours, and I already hate it. My mother has become different. It’s not even the fact that she never hugs me or encourages me (I’ve never been the emotional kind of girl anyway). It’s how irritating she is. Seriously. Everythingggg I say has a bad comment from her. My grades are perfect, and I strive for perfection alllll the freakin time. I won a competition at school and went to state. Her first question when I got back: ” Why didnt you make nationals? Your friend did..” THESE are the kind of shits that fucking piss me off. No one is happy anymore, and nobody tries to be either. She’s miserable everyday, and it’s like… Mom, your period really lasts 365 days (renewing annually)?! I hate coming home to such unreasonable shit. My dad is a lot better now, and he stopped drinking (Thank Jesus!!!!). But we don’t really talk anymore and it really hurts because I’ve always been a daddy’s girl. My home is not a home. It’s a lovely box of furniture, overcrowding with yelling and screaming and sadness and anger and fiery balls of fury and distress and cursing and crying.
I really can’t take it anymore. I’m NOT going to suicide, because I know my life will take a better turn soon. I know that one day, I will turn back at this and not laugh, but smile. Smile at the fact that it’s over. I love my parents, and I respect them for everything they do (please hear me out). But today is an angry day, a day of distress and continuous crying (which I can do because no one is home). I cry for all the times I’ve cried before. I cry for all the stress being put on me now. I cry because I have no idea when it will be my turn to laugh and smile and reach my dreams.
Life is a piece of shit, not a fucking rainbow.
The end.
2 comments
sometimes it’s good to vent… and if letting it go here on the interwebz helps you feel better, then go for it.
i’m sorry that your home is no longer a place of peace and rest. sadly, it’s not uncommon.
i admire your strength though. i wish i could see the rainbow through the shit stains of my life.
best of luck~
Diamonds are made under immense pressures. If you don’t endure hard times you never become strong enough to make a meaningful life. If you need to cry then cry, there’s nothing wrong with venting.
<3