Just a shitty day… or a couple.
A day like today where I wake up feeling okay, and then I start thinking about all the things I’ve ever done wrong. And then I start thinking about how I’m a shitty person. And then, on top of that, I feel like I have zero things to offer. I try so fucking hard to be good at things, at art, at programming… I’m in college, getting decent grades and busting my ass… But I hate everything I’ve ever done. I’ve never accomplished anything and I feel worthless. I’m a huge sagging disappointment to myself. I feel ugly; I feel hated and unwanted by my peers. It’s all in my head, but I can’t stop feeling this way. I’m constantly doubting what people are saying to me, whether they’re lying or complimenting me out of pity. A year ago, I didn’t care. I was angry and hurt; I’d take what I could get.
Today, like yesterday, it’s not good enough.
And I wish I was dead.
And I was trying not to check here, to see who was still alive and hoping that a lightning bolt would just murder them. I was trying not to commiserate because I could occupy my time with homework and shit… I just feel like getting a big bucket of warm water, and stabbing a hole in my arm and just dying here on the bed.
I don’t understand the “painless” approach. I guess I’m messy.
I’ll never be good enough. I’ll never be satisfied. I hate myself because I hate myself and I’m the biggest disappointment ever. I’ll never be happy with myself and I feel like I’m going to continue on just fighting with myself, wishing I was better. Or wishing I was dead.