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Out of Homework

by icantsay

Just a shitty day… or a couple.

A day like today where I wake up feeling okay, and then I start thinking about all the things I’ve ever done wrong. And then I start thinking about how I’m a shitty person. And then, on top of that, I feel like I have zero things to offer. I try so fucking hard to be good at things, at art, at programming… I’m in college, getting decent grades and busting my ass… But I hate everything I’ve ever done. I’ve never accomplished anything and I feel worthless. I’m a huge sagging disappointment to myself. I feel ugly; I feel hated and unwanted by my peers. It’s all in my head, but I can’t stop feeling this way. I’m constantly doubting what people are saying to me, whether they’re lying or complimenting me out of pity. A year ago, I didn’t care. I was angry and hurt; I’d take what I could get.

Today, like yesterday, it’s not good enough.

And I wish I was dead.

And I was trying not to check here, to see who was still alive and hoping that a lightning bolt would just murder them. I was trying not to commiserate because I could occupy my time with homework and shit… I just feel like getting a big bucket of warm water, and stabbing a hole in my arm and just dying here on the bed.

I don’t understand the “painless” approach. I guess I’m messy.

I’ll never be good enough. I’ll never be satisfied. I hate myself because I hate myself and I’m the biggest disappointment ever. I’ll never be happy with myself and I feel like I’m going to continue on just fighting with myself, wishing I was better. Or wishing I was dead.

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3 comments

Black Swan 9/16/2012 - 8:39 pm

You don’t have to be good at school to be successful at work later in life. I know how you feel but we might both have a distorted image of ourselves. I know I seem myself differently and much worse than it really is. I know it doesn’t help to know that when you are convinced that you are a complete failure. I’m going to try to not be so hard on myself since I have no choice cause I don’t have the guts to leave this world. I hate myself too but it’s more of a habit I developed. Killing all these horrible monsters that hunt me in my daily life will be a tough task but is there another way out.

The method you’re choosing is hardly successful so I wouldn’t want you to have a horrible experience and still have to face the next day. Hugs, V

The 'Perfect' girl 9/16/2012 - 8:42 pm

You and I don’t seem like different people.

stabby 9/16/2012 - 10:59 pm

Thank you, both of you. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels this way. I just want to be happy, but I also feel like I don’t deserve it. And days like today, I feel like the only way I’ll ever be okay is to murder myself. It’s frustrating knowing the reasoning behind this all, and knowing how wrong I am and how self-absorbed I’m being. I must derive some sick pleasure from this self-hate; I’ve felt this way since I was young (about 8 or 9).

I always imagined I’d be like that ghost from the Sixth Sense, the homemaker in the kitchen with a big knife who’d slashed her wrists multiple times. The image haunted me as a child; I suppose it’s turned into a twisted fantasy of mine now.

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