I guess I should start with a statement of “I know that I”m a really lucky person, and life, while not perfect, had been nice to me.” I am born in a really developed country, and have so many benefits that many other countries doesn’t have. I am gifted and loved by god in many ways (learned how to read a language through watching TV, drawings that had won numerous awards and got me a 60,000 scholarship money, performed dance for the Winter Olympics, top three in my school, an hourglass figure, decent face, and healthy body with no mutations…etc.) But I don’t see a point in living. There’s really no point in life if you think about it, at least to me. You are born, then raised, trying to study hard in order to get a good job. Get into a relationship(s), get married, and then have a baby to torture yourself. Then raise your child, make them study hard to get a good job, and see them get into a relationship(s), and then get married. Maybe there will be some other things that will happen, but in the end, you die. And going through this gives you both happiness and sadness, but happiness is short, while sadness lasts. I don’t see a point going through this cycle. All I get is memories full of sadness. I kept trying hard to study hard and do well, but at the same time I feel like there’s no point. All I’m doing is to make myself sad. While it is true that I feel happy and satisfied for a while, most of the time I’m depressed. There’s no hope (my field is really competitive and even though I’m the top of my class, I know my depressive and negative emotions will make me fail in work), and I don’t know why I’m still trying to live while I’m so unhappy about life. There is no point in living, and I want to die. I don’t feel the need to go through life’s cycle and continue to be sad. That’s the main reason.
Here’s some more reasons…
Even though I am in such a position where many would probably be envious, life is fair too. I really can’t social, and I see world so differently from other people. I have a lot of “acquaintance friends” but no close ones. I guess it’s just because I’ve experienced too many betrayals and I can’t trust anyone. My family life is really terrible, and even though I have so many other good areas, people seem to stop liking me once they hear me talking about my negative experiences. Or…maybe I just can’t trust them because I’ve been raped…by my cousin. He told me that it’s a game, and even though he didn’t get into it completely, he crushed a part of my innocence. What’s more is what my mom said. She told me to hide what happened, and there’s really nothing she could do, as she claimed.
And I have a really low self-esteem (it may not seem so to you, but I know I am). I feel incompetent regardless of my success. I would always compare to others and make myself sad. And I really hate myself. I guess my mom’s criticism played a part to it. My mom always seemed unhappy about my existence. I think she doesn’t really like me, and thinks that I’m shouldn’t be here. She told me a lot of times that she would have divorced with my dad if I wasn’t born. She always complained how I’m fat and short, and how I’m spending a lot of money. I hate how my thighs are so big, how I’m still not good enough, how I don’t work hard enough, how I harm the world. I hate how my existence is causing harm to mother nature. I feel like I’m born to kill our world. I’ve steal from stores, used a lot of plastic bottles and bags, and created a lot of trash. I hate how my existence is not making the world and my parents better. I don’t know how to describe this hatred in myself , and I would always find ways to torture myself.
I don’t want to deal with it anymore. Life sucks, and life is pointless.
3 comments
I think I know what your problem is : your family. Your gifted and have a lot of potential – just hang on another few years until you can get out of home. Life will get better once you don’t have to deal with your mum making you feel worthless. You owe it to yourself to at least try to experience life – got the rest of your life to be dead why rush it
Addresses oneself—not your mind, not your body, but you.
Scientologists have found that the spirit is potentially superior to material things, and that the spirit (you), if cleansed of past traumas, transgressions and aberrations, can make miraculous changes in the physical universe that would not otherwise be possible.
It is a fact that unless one begins to handle aberration built up in past lives, he doesn’t progress. In Scientology, one is given the tools to handle upsets and aberrations from past lives that adversely affect the individual in the present, thus freeing one to live a much happier life.
It does. However, Scientologists also believe in the principle that some form of exchange is necessary in any relationship. If a person only receives and never gives, he will lose his own self-respect and become an unhappy person. Therefore, Scientology-sponsored charity programs often encourage those receiving the charity to make their own contribution in exchange by personally helping others who are in need. Such contributions enable one to receive help and yet maintain their self-respect.
What is true for you is what you have observed yourself. And when you lose that, you have lost everything.”
L. Ron Hubbard
Please don’t kill yourself, instead break the chain of hatred. Just try to hang on until you get out of that so called home of yours. I don’t get it, this world is full of scoundrels for sure… but atleast people should give support to their kids.. why they fuck in the first place? 🙁