The deeper you cut

I can’t deal anymore.
I moved almost two months ago and sitting here in my room the same as every night and day, except this time somethings different. I’m having flashes, and I look up at the wall where the lamp is shining down on the paint. Light blue, like the carpet nine years ago. I can’t do this anymore. Being alone all the time, having nobody to talk to and distract me from old memories. I feel this sensation in my gut, and this dragging feeling from my shoulders down to my palms. I took the first cut in sophomore year. And then it stopped, I didn’t pick up a blade for months, then I did it again junior year, deeper. I was certain it would scar, it healed but it’s not noticeable. None of them are. My wrist, my elbow, my thighs, my knees. What’s next? And I know it’s coming, I haven’t cut since before summer. Correction, I cut just after moving here, I missed my old friends. The few I met last year. I’m a senior, and seventeen. I guess that means my mom can control me. I have no job, no license, no car. No family. I’m alone, and it’s driving me mad. I can’t handle it anymore, and I feel this numb yet some how painful sensation spreading. I want to so bad, nivory would notice. It’s Thursday, still Fair week, so I won’t have to really worry about short sleeves tip Monday, by then they’ll be scanned over. And then the few who talk to method won’t say anything. And if they did they wouldn’t bully me and tell everyone, they’d probably report it.
I can’t look at these walls without wanting to cry. I wanted to forget this years ago, I thought mayb I was okay. Oh god I was wrong. And there isn’t any thing I can do. I don’t be here. I don’t want to see these walls and picture the blue carpet. I can’t.
The realization is hitting my anxiety. And I don’t know what to do. What happens when I go to school Monday and I see or hear something and I just burst into a fit?
I don’t know what to do. I can’t breathe. And I’m tired of feeling this way.