I never planned to use a gun, CO poisioning was always my escape plan. I always thought drinking was why I was depressed, but since I stopped drinking, IÂ started eating healthy and lostÂ 30 lbs, but I still feel I’m not in control of my life, depressed,Â so IÂ started drinking again. I have bought a few guns to prove to myself that I wouldn’t use them to end my life. I justify keeping one of them loaded in a locked box since my house has been broken into, but I know I like having that exit so close to me. It’s unlocked and right where I can reach it at this moment, a Beretta M9, a JHP in the chamber, safety off and hammer cocked. I have placed it next to me on my bedside table knowing that I could end my pain. But I can’t, not yet. I have a dog and a cat that depend on me. My X will be able to take the cat in a month, and the dog is old, I love my dog but he will have to be put down soon. Once I have no one to worry about maybe I might use my gun, or maybe I will just go with my original CO plan, but I’m not going to make it to retirement. I canceled the one thing I love to do tomorrow so I could drink tonight, I needed a drink since I can’t control anything else in my life right now. I’m going to bed, the loaded gun beside me, and hopefully I will wake up and lock my gun back in it’s case and leave it there for it’s intended purpose.