The mind of…

I feel sick to my stomach. Maybe it was lack of nutrition, most likely not the alcohol. I don’t know. I will try to avoid text slang as I am accommodated to it. My life has desensitized me, I guess. I just picked that word up from a previous post. I believe I might be insane but how can I be sure. I have begun wearing a “happy” mask at my new school as its the last year of high school, so why not keep everyone out of the loop of my insanity and depression.

Yesterday, my happy place was destroyed (the imaginary place in my head at the very top where I am happy, as I was attempting quite literally the mind over matter thing), but Rogue (my counterpart/other personality/evil voice in my head) destroyed it and it left me numb as I drank for the first time in over a year, not that I was a chronic drinker or anything. I asphyxiated myself, and my insane side took over. Now I’m left depressed. Lack of good sleeping habits left me groggy and tired and Rogue occassionally says things cuz I left him in the dark part of my mind, his personal hell.

Whether or not thats all in my imagination or not, I have been told on here long ago that I might certainly have depression and apparently OCD I’ve “fallen in love twice” which apparently was just obsessions. That has caused me to distrust it and also yearn for it. I hate how my heart only opens up to beautiful girls and not anyone else and I yearn for love so I guess I’m self destructive with extremely high expectations.

I might thimk a bit femininely though, but thats inside the mind of Nate and Rogue. I sometimes wonder why I came out male rayther than female. I wish I could remove all males from my life, I would become a lesbian, because I hate myself and men. How we treat women and all. I am certainly not thinking of the sexual aspects of it as well…

Well I personally still want to die. I was thinking about applying for a medical weed card and get diagnosed with depression but avoid saying I’m insane. I also want to get a gun permit and see what comes in first. Complications Im guessing are suicidal tendencies cant get a gun permit. I should look it up but would rather prefer not to find the waiting time for weed card and gun permit so i dont cheat and apply for a gun permit too early on…

Shall I live longer. My original non-depressed thoughts were join the army, get experience and help pay for college or die at war, or just go to college, but now I would like to die earlier. Iwonder if I will live or will I brainwash myself again and hide in my happy place again…

I’m a smart cookie, so I can figure most of this out on my own, I’m not a psychologist though and self-diagnosis is very ineffective.

I pissed off Custard on SP as well. Hes holding a grudge, even though I stopped annoying him. Whatever soon I shall lose feeling again. I haven’t cried for a year or two, can’t really remember. What’s my secret? I bottle it up and hide it away in my vault and sometimes it pours out in the form of a nervous breakdown. Very intense one as well. Not too sure if it really was. Too long ago…

I live in california, dated to girls, one a jealous *****, another was my cousin, I am certainly a virgin, mostly insane schizo ocd majer depressions split personality and a few other things. My background isnt horrible, I lived with my very religious dad for 17 years and now live with my mom he is a jehovahs witness and loves god, i stopped giving a shit long ago especially when i got bullied my dad didnt care that i did even after i got my upper forehead scarred from slamming into the upper locker from from my bullies/friends. I fell in love with nycolle and fell hard then i fell for my cousin and fell lighter but still hard i still love her though.

I wish I could be happy, but I also can stay away from depressed. I cant go numb forever cuz i miss depression and happiness. Too bad i cant have both other than split personality. Thats what I am. Who I am is a mystery…

This has been the mind of Nate/Rogue……