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Things I Am Feeling And Going Through That Shouldn’t Even Be Happening In The First Place

by indierockkgirl

Okay so my kind of suicidal is more like hours of disgusting contemplation over the most gruesome way to kill myself. But I’m not always suicidal, I am usually a very happy person. This feeling is only ensued when….I even get angry typing it out…..when my parents mention marrying me off. And I’m only ******* seventeen and I’m still a junior in high school (I started school late). I get extremely angry and my head starts throbbing (I can even hear it beating), and my body starts shaking like crazy. I go to an empty room and cry my heart and eyes out. I think about really, really gruesome ways of killing myself. I want to go into detail but I don’t want you guys to see how explicit and gruesome my thoughts are….because it involves a lot of blood. I’ve actually had a suicidal past, but I got over it and picked myself back up. Now it seems as if I’m going down that same path again. And as easy as it may sound, I don’t want to get out of the house when I am 18 because I need a form financial support to further pursue my education. It’s really complicated. I also don’t want to go into detail again about what makes me feel suicidal because when I mention it in any way or form….I get extremely angry. But I briefly mentioned it before. So if you can help me on how to cope with this, that would be great because I think it might end up the same as before….the downward spiral to darkness…

 

No one cares.  I have no friends. I am alone. I am lost. I don’t know if I can find my way out this time.

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42 comments

Scar504 9/24/2012 - 3:25 pm

Marrying you off? I don’t understand, are you talking about an arranged marriage?

NewDawnFades 9/24/2012 - 3:29 pm

i like how your name is indie rock girl but your more of a Per Yngve Ohlin (Dead from the band mayhem) kind of person.

indierockkgirl 9/24/2012 - 3:31 pm

Yes. I am talking about ‘arranged’ Which means forced to me.

Duke of Marmalade 9/24/2012 - 3:46 pm

These are your options

1) Go on Shaadi and find someone you actually like

2) Find someone in the real world you like and suggest it

3) move out and run away from home

4) commit suicide

5) let your parents know exactly that you don’t want it. Tell them you want to concentrate on your studies. Tell them that you will find a respectable lad on your own but if this fails they can get involved. They don’t want to create a problem so they will do anything to keep you from ruining your life. In the end you will win.

3) commit suicide

Duke of Marmalade 9/24/2012 - 3:47 pm

I wasn’t suggesting 3, that’s a typo. Go with 5. You will thank me one day

indierockkgirl 9/24/2012 - 3:56 pm

i’m not indian….so ‘shaadi’ wouldn’t apply to me. And trust me they wouldn’t give a shit about what I think so all those options of them listening to me are out. And 3 just sounds so good to me….but I couldn’t do it. I know that.

Duke of Marmalade 9/24/2012 - 4:00 pm

I never had to deal with this. We were very modern. My parents never had an arranged marriage so they didn’t force it on me. The more girlfriends I have the better as far as they are concerned. If only we could trade places.

Clearly, they care about you/their reputation. They dont want to jeopardise that. How strict are they?

NewDawnFades 9/24/2012 - 4:00 pm

i think DOM meant the film, right?

Duke of Marmalade 9/24/2012 - 4:02 pm

No Newfade, she’s got it right. It’s a site for Indians/Pakistani. I registered on it myself.

NewDawnFades 9/24/2012 - 4:03 pm

oh my bad. i was kinda confused.

Duke of Marmalade 9/24/2012 - 4:05 pm

It’s a good site. Some of the girls on there are really nice but I haven’t tried to hard with them. Need to sort other things out first.

Duke of Marmalade 9/24/2012 - 4:07 pm

Do you have any brothers and sisters or are you the eldest. Is there anyone your parents will listen to that you can confide in

indierockkgirl 9/24/2012 - 4:10 pm

Very strict. I’m not allowed to have friends that cuss, wear immodest clothes (shorts, tanktop), are guys, and people aren’t allowed to come over and I’m not allowed to go over to them. I can’t talk to people on the phone if it’s not about schoolwork and I can’t talk for like longer than 6-7 minutes. So no long, fun phone convos with friends. I am not allowed to have a cell phone even though I swear I haven’t met anyone my age that doesn’t have one. Also, I am not allowed to go anywhere at all without my brothers or sisters accompanying me. I am not allowed to wear tank tops, shorts, and the worst thing I could do is befriend a guy. Basically dude I am not allowed to do SHIT. And I hated my school so now I am homeschooled (computer classes); I am more isolated than ever. I would fucking trade places with you any day. My life is ridiculous. It’s like jail.

Enigma19 9/24/2012 - 4:14 pm

We will think of a plan to get you out of this predicament. I’m an expert in these things and I read a book on psychology. Don’t worry about anything at all and don’t make any rash decisions on your own ok.

indierockkgirl 9/24/2012 - 4:15 pm

I’m not indian or paki. No. I don’t have anyone I can confide in…at all….btw you sound like freakin angel or something Duke of Marmalade….you’re very insightful so thanks for your time!!! God bless you.

kyuketsuki 9/24/2012 - 4:16 pm

You could always attempt to get into some kind of exchange program. Convince your parents that it would be a way to learn how to be a good little wife.

then say fuck them and fun away while you’re in a different country. make sure you secretly pack whatever you need to live by yourself for a while.

indierockkgirl 9/24/2012 - 4:18 pm

That is a really good idea but the thing is that I need their financial support in my education…..so that wouldn’t work that well….:/

Duke of Marmalade 9/24/2012 - 4:21 pm

We will think of a plan to get you out of this
predicament. I’m an expert in these things and I
read a book on psychology. Don’t worry about
anything at all and don’t make any rash decisions on your own ok.

That comment in moderation is me by the way before you get confused

Duke of Marmalade 9/24/2012 - 4:26 pm

Is there anyone in your family that would sympathise with you and can persuade your parents to wait. All you need is a couple of years. After that they wont be able to control you. People are waiting longer to get married these days. You don’t have to get married so young

indierockkgirl 9/24/2012 - 4:33 pm

No there isn’t any one that can get me out of this. Other than myself of course. And yes….I agree. I am actually one of those people that don’t want to get married at all….so that really ruins everything…

indierockkgirl 9/24/2012 - 4:35 pm

My idea of life would be to complete my education and earn a degree in education (teaching) and spend my life teaching and helping those in need- particularly non-profit organizations. And I want to live with a good friend or something…..not husband…:/ and if I ever do happen to get married- I want it to be someone I met myself, someone that I accept…someone they should have no say in….

Duke of Marmalade 9/24/2012 - 4:41 pm

Yep, you are spot on there. Anyone that says arranged marriages are good are lying and you don’t even have to get married at all if you don’t want to, there’s nothing wrong with being an independent woman.

Your just so young and this is very stressful but have faith. No one knows what’s going to happen in the future. You will look back and say to yourself that was a narrow escape.

indierockkgirl 9/24/2012 - 4:52 pm

I totally agree with you. They come from a place where women are shunned….Afghanistan…but I would say the way they are shunned is definitely completely different from the way it is in Paki/India…it is not like they throw them away….it’s more as in the shut up the fuck up the men are totally better than you so you go walk around in a blue fucking burqa and cover your face because that is the last thing I want to see and raising children is all you’ll ever be good for..etc..etc…. I know that probably made no sense to you….but if it did…that’s great. That means you are now BEGINNING to understand how gender equality works over there. And how they are trying to implement it in the US. I don’t wear a hijab or anything either. And I am not muslim. I just believe in God. Idk which one (lol) but I just associate myself with one God…and that’s it . And this not just stressful for me….but it is also very distracting and ridiculous that I have to deal with this in the first place.

Duke of Marmalade 9/24/2012 - 5:07 pm

You get all sorts of people that frequent suicide sites from every kind of background. I’m glad your here and that I at least have some experience that might assist. My mums side were from right on the border with Afghanistan. That’s why we are very fair. They were forced to move during the partition. I know that your situation is a little extreme. They are right fundamentalists over there. Try and pretend you are going along with the programme until you find a way out. Ultimately if it’s a choice between financial support and happiness, take the happiness. You can always go back to your education later in life.

indierockkgirl 9/24/2012 - 5:17 pm

I don’t want to do that. I am not going to give up my education for them. And I’m glad you can see it from my perspective. That is quite interesting! And I think I will go along with it for now but the thing is that I can’t control myself, my anger, and my thoughts. So the matter of control isn’t up to me because my mind can’t bear it and it is also due to my suicidal past. Horrible thoughts ensue much more easily when you have a past like that and when you have to deal with the people that are causing the problem on a daily basis.

Duke of Marmalade 9/24/2012 - 5:30 pm

< That's my email if you ever need to talk.

Your a bit of a rebel. I like that. I know you are under a lot of pressure. You can't control your emotions because you are still very young. It takes time to develop patience.

I'm glad that your passionate about your education. I think that's important and it will give you the opportunity to escape.

indierockkgirl 9/24/2012 - 5:45 pm

I can’t see the email….:( And yeah…a lot of people have called me a rebel…I’m definitely not a conformist. And you dude, idk…there’s a lot of ignorant people in the world and I know this a horrible standpoint to judge you from based on the fact that I don’t know you and haven’t met you and we haven’t been discussing this for long…but it seems to me that you are a person who has an extremely good (and open) heart and is very modest. You sound like the example of what a lot of people should be: open minded and helpful. So God bless you<3 And yes, I definitely need to develop my patience, I think that that would help me a lot with this….and education gives me a chance to dream about a place where independence is beginning of all things that would make me happy and help me help others. I feel like a slave right now-as harshly worded as that is, it's probably not far from the definition of it.

Duke of Marmalade 9/24/2012 - 5:56 pm

You are actually the one who has helped me actually. I’ve spent that last few days frequenting another chat site talking to a cat (don’t ask). It’s been doing my head in.

Im not as good as you think. I really hate what I’ve become.

Duke of Marmalade 9/24/2012 - 6:00 pm

If you click on the comments section it should come up. I have created to other email accounts which are anonymous but that’s my real name. I don’t really use the others.

indierockkgirl 9/24/2012 - 6:03 pm

Oh please. The things that I think we think of a lot as humans is “I hate what I’ve become.” Although it may not be something that we think of on a literal basis; it is something that we think of subconsciously or in some form of expression or another. But we both hate ourselves. But think of this. Two negatives equal a positive. That mere fact makes me happy. I learned it in Algebra. lol. There has to be deeper reason for that. It can’t just be math.

indierockkgirl 9/24/2012 - 6:05 pm

“The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.” ~ Charles Bukowski

And I like this quote. I think you can relate.

Duke of Marmalade 9/24/2012 - 6:18 pm

I can’t believe you have just quoted Charles Bukowski and you like indie/rock music.

Duke of Marmalade 9/24/2012 - 6:21 pm

Charles Bukowski is one of my favourite writers and I only ever listen to indie rock music.

one_day 9/24/2012 - 6:30 pm

It’s nice to see some fire around here! And thank you very much for rescuing the duke from yet another meaningless chat with an imaginary cat. I can’t imagine meowing makes for stimulating conversation.
Arranged marriages work for some people. But you are obviously not one of them. I wonder if you can do hat women used to do in this situation – find a friend, a nice guy to marry you, just so you can escape your parents? Then you can be free to pursue your education.
I have faith things in Afghanistan are changing for women. I have a colleague over there at the moment, there’s a storm brewing in that teacup. You should stick around, tey might need someone like you

indierockkgirl 9/24/2012 - 6:30 pm

Oh shit. I am talking to my double. And lol. I swear I never have anything in common with ANYONE. So that, my friend, is AMAZING. Lol. Even if it’s just two things. I read and write a lot….and I hate math with a fiery passion….

Duke of Marmalade 9/24/2012 - 6:39 pm

I suspect you are the only girl from Afghan decent that is the way you are. Consider yourself an endangered species that must be protected at all costs. I think that arranged marriages are ok if you like the person. A lot of marriages that people think are arranged aren’t. What happens is that the parents introduce someone they think is suitable and if you like each other it goes ahead. Your parents are old school so that’s different.

@ One day – she’s American Afghan and yeah, as much as talking to a human cat is novel it starts to creep you out after a while.

indierockkgirl 9/24/2012 - 7:18 pm

@Duke of Marmalade & one_day

Thank you so much for your insight! I appreciate your positive outlook and love how you see things from a totally different perspective than most people. A lot of people are brainwashed by the media and they see Afghanistan as a country full of ragheads and people who think violence is the answer to everything. Although that may be true in some way or another…. Those are stereotypes and I think that the reason a lot afghan people are so narrow minded is because many of them have had the chance to have an education; including my parents. This meaning, that in a way it is not their fault for doing the things they do; and I do understand it. However, on a personal level; I don’t think I can deal with it alone. It causes me to much stress and makes me fear for my future. I appreciate everyone’s help and concern. And yeah….other Afghan-American girls my age are quite different…they are a lot more into mainstream things and don’t give a damn about their education….and I agree- I would leave as soon as I am 18 if money wasn’t a problem. I make very rash, spontaneous decisions like that. Trust me…I would be packing my bags right now. But I can’t. Without money…I can’t go to a university. And yes, I feel that change is coming in Afghanistan..but at an extremly slow pace…and thanks! I would love to help Afghanistan grow to it’s full potential. It would such a strange and beautiful thing to see positivity and peace in such a war-torn country. I am not going to let my parents views…..ruin the true Afghanistan’s culture. 🙂

And yeah…I’m also very glad that I am not a human cat….whatever that means….I’m not ‘in’ on the inside joke. Lolll.

Duke of Marmalade 9/24/2012 - 7:34 pm

You’ve made my day. Week even. I hope that you keep in contact.

indierockkgirl 9/24/2012 - 7:43 pm

Yo Duke. Keep your head up! I’ll try to help myself as well…as weird as that sounds….and I’ll keep in contact w/ you for sure! You can email me as well:)

Duke of Marmalade 9/24/2012 - 7:46 pm

Will do but it’s late here so I have to put my head down. I have a feeling I’m going to sleep well for the first time in days.

Goodnite 🙂

indierockkgirl 9/24/2012 - 7:49 pm

Hahaa I know what that feels like…. Have a great night! And I wish you sweet dreams…no nightmares. 🙂

one_day 9/24/2012 - 9:35 pm

The inside joke is really not that deep. Duke likes to talk to people pretending to be cats. I have been punching below my weight!
I was going to join skatistan in Kabul a few years ago but then they fell apart. But there are still interesting things going on and starting up on that country.
Anyway I know what it’s like to not fit in, not conform to a stereotype (especially for a woman) when there is no place in the world for you it just means you have to work a little harder to chisel one out for yourself. You got the goods though you’ll be fine.

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