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We walk the path alone..

by lifegoeson

I have been in a rocky, controlling relationship with a man I have been head over heels in love with for about a year now. He was never very nice, always controlling, very jealous, and extremely verbally abusive… A tall, sexy, tattooed from head to toe punk rocker, I fell in love immediately. we both have had hard lives, and he was from New York in Oregon (where I’m from) because he knocked a girl up in New York who was from Oregon, and he moved to Oregon to be the father. They didn’t work out. Anyway, we started a relationship, had a lot of fun, but things were never normal. He would call me a whore, a mudshark, fat, ugly,…. alot of really mean things… I thought it was just him trying to be an “asshole cool guy” and that eventually the bullshit would stop,…. it never did. We moved in together and got an apartment.. we would make each other laugh all day long, had fun, but I would never know when I would make him angry about something, anything- it could be me not picking up my clothes to something a friend texted me to something I didn’t even understand…. I was never good enough for him, never did anything right. My amazing self esteem I had worked years for was slowly getting ripped apart. I wasn’t allowed to talk to much less see friends, especially male friends. My family relationship deteriorated, I never saw them either… Then the fights became bad. I was so depressed I would cry myself to sleep every night. Drank more and more, and so did he. My life became so automated, wake up, get us both to work, go home, drink, sleep, try not to make him angry. Then things  got really crazy. He slit his throat in front of me one night. Afterwards I was diagnosed with PTSD. I’d slit my wrists and cry in the bathroom. Whenever we fought he would have his baby mama pick him up, and that was the most devestating to me, because he would spend nights over there and it killed me. The last time he did this, I slit my wrists (badly, blood everywhere in my apartment) and then hung myself…. I woke to the police kicking open my door. He called the cops on me from his ex’s house… I spent the night sobbing uncontrollably in a padded room. Got out, we got back together. About a month after that I came home to an eviction notice and a note from him. He left to New York, took all our rent money. Said it was for us and that he loved me and wanted to marry me, and I believed him…. but, within two days he was calling me from a pay phone telling me I was a whore and that he hated me. So I was done, moved on with my life and stopped speaking to him. Fast forward to June (a few months ago). I was a heroin addict (picked up the habit the night he left me for New York).. I sold my car and called him and told him I’m coming to New York (I guess a piece of me wanted to believe his note was sincere and he really did love me and do it for me)… I sold my car and got on a plane that same night. Now I’ve been in New York since June 18th, 2012. It was hard, especially at first, because he was in multiple sexual relationships although he lied to me, I just recently found out the extent of his lies. And everything has been terrible since I got here. He is more controlling and jealous and mean to me then ever before. I have no friends, no family. I just recently got a job. I found on his FB all the bullshit with  him and other girls. Tried to kill myself once and ended up in a psych ward….. and I just feel hopeless… I can’t make him love me, I shouldn’t have came. I think he would be happier if I ended everything… for good. Sorry this is scattered. I don’t want him to see what i’ve written.


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the Guardian 9/3/2012 - 12:57 pm

This is so tough, you sound stuck.

There is life for you beyond him, beyond the lies and abuse.

You must find your path, free of him so that you can survive.

You deserve to live.

Nolentwohundred 9/3/2012 - 3:11 pm

I completely agree with the comment above. Bad relationships and co-dependency issues are my downfall as well. Everyone falls. The ones who seem indestructibly successful at life, are just good at getting back on their feet quickly.

lifegoeson 9/3/2012 - 3:21 pm

Thanks so much… I know I deserve better.. I think what messes with my head the most is why doesn’t he want me… I know I am beautiful, smart, funny, and very, exceedingly caring…. I jump through hoops to just put a smile on his face, and I sacrifice my happiness for his. If he is mad, after hours of screaming at me and belittling me, I still have to emotionally support him. He will say “hold me” while we are about to go to sleep, and I will, because I have to or he will get more mad and say I don’t care about him, and the whole night I am awake crying into his shirt quietly.

lifegoeson 9/3/2012 - 3:25 pm

It makes me feel like I need to be better. If I was prettier, skinnier, nicer, more successful, more like the rocker girls he idolizes “kat von d”, then he would treat me with respect and love me. I give him my everything, I adore him. Always have. And when I read all the messages from him to all these girls (10+) on facebook when he left, he was so sweet, talked to them about how staring into their eyes at night was the most amazing thing in his world (this is something he always has said to me and was supposed to be exclusively special for me)…. it makes me wonder, what am I doing wrong? What’s wrong with me? I just want to morph, change into the girl he would love…. and I am so stuck here that I have no way out… I burned all my bridges with family and friends in Oregon by moving here… my family won’t talk to me, my mom superficially keeps in contact. I am so depressed, I disappointed my family so much and now I have nothing, no one but him, and he hurts me so bad daily. Everything isn’t changing, except for the worst. I keep thinking, if I off myself, maybe he will love me, or remember me as I see myself- beautiful, smart, respected, funny, and not an ugly whore….. that’s all I want.

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