what happens

I grew up with a mother who had manic depressive disorder. While she never blamed things on us as kids, she was the master at guilt trips and made us feel like everything was our fault anyway. She would snap and scream at us, then lock herself in the bathroom with a knife and cry, saying things like why did I have such horrible children?

As I got older, I don’t know how it happened, but I got so tired of it that I stopped taking it. I would start saying things like “Yeah, everyone pack your bags, mom is taking us on a guilt trip.”

There was even this one time where this guy was breaking up with me, she went outside and literally laid down behind his tires so he wouldn’t leave. Yeah, she had extreme behaviors like that. She also came to the school and embarrassed me in front of everyone.

All I can really tell you to do is just hang on tight, girl. Find something, anything, and focus on it until it gets you out of there. If you’re of age, find a part time job. That’ll have so many benefits! Not only will it give you money to save up for college/moving out when you’re old enough, it’ll give you extra time away from your mom and work experience for the future.

If you’re not of age, ask to stay at your friends house more and more often. Stay in your room if you have to. Just avoid talking to your mom unless necessary.

When I was 17 (maybe I was 16, I can’t remember), my mom pulled her stunt of coming to the school and embarrassing me in front of everyone. I live in a super small town, so the high school was small as well and within the hour (if that) EVERYONE knew. After that, I went home (actually had the town police go with me), threw my things into a garbage bag, and moved into my cousins house. It took my mom a week and a half to come begging me to come home. I did. I think the “normalcy” lasted maybe 2-3 months.

The day before Thanksgiving that year, my mom moved out. She didn’t tell anyone she was leaving, she just left. Even though she tried to keep in contact with me, I didn’t speak to her for a year and a half after that. When we finally did begin speaking again, I told her.. if you want me in your life, then you have to get some help. I can’t be your punching bag, your therapist, your shoulder to cry on, your support. You have to get some help. If you don’t, this won’t work.

It’s been a good 10-11 years now and my mom and I are like best friends. We talk 2-3 times a week for a good hour or more. But here’s the catch. I love my mom, and I love talking to her and spending the day with her when I can. But we cannot live together. We took a trip several years ago and just the few days we were together I was ready to murder her before we got home.

The point to all of this is to tell you that you and your mom and can go through some very dark periods, things may break and fall apart. But it CAN get better if you both want it to. Speaking from experience, there has to come a time where you have to understand that your mother is sick. Not just understanding it, but accepting it with a profound understanding that the things she does, she probably cannot control. And You cannot control her, you can only control what YOU do, what YOU react to, and what YOU choose to forgive.

As for the cutting, I’ve been there. I know what it feels like, and I know the release that comes with it. There’s so, so much anger and hurt on the inside. There’s a quote from Girl, Interrupted which sums it up perfectly. “You hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing living on the inside.” And even after you’ve stopped, for weeks, or months later when you have a moment of extreme emotional distress.. your arms tingle. They beg for it. It’s so incredibly hard to not do it. It would be so, so easy just to grab that blade and press down until it hurts and you bleed. But you CAN stop, if you really want to.

You said your friend cried when she realized she hadn’t gotten there in time. Maybe that’s something you can focus on. Maybe you can ask yourself, if my friend knew I was doing this, how would it make her feel? Do I want to put her through this? If I kill myself, how will she handle it?

I know we all come to the site to vent, to talk about suicide, maybe get tips or whatever. Even I came here last night to vent because I was standing on that edge. But today is better. And I can tell you… I’ve had three people in my life commit suicide. I’ve been on the other end of it. I’ve experienced that shock, that sudden loss, and eventually the anger. A man who was like a father to me, closer to me than my own father, took his life 12-5-99, and even though I still miss him every day, and it still hurts. I haven’t forgiven him for it. Even though I know what it’s like to be standing on that edge, to think of what he must have been feeling to make him do it, I still haven’t forgiven him. How could he have left me like that? Did I mean so little to him? Did he not want to see me graduate? Maybe get married one day, have kids?

I’m not telling you not to do it, that is a decision that is yours and yours alone. I’m giving you some things to think about and consider. Are your moms troubles worth killing yourself over? (I’m not being sarcastic, this is an honest to God question. 🙂 )

I could go on and on, but this comment is already way too long. If you’ve stuck it out this far, thanks. I’m sorry, I’m a long winded person. lol.