What if I wanted to break? Laugh it all off in your face, What would you do? What if I fell to the floor, Couldn’t take all this anymore. What would you do?

Rhetorical questions. I don’t expect anyone to do anything. Part of me doesn’t want them to.

It’s the 27th of September next Thursday, Those of you who know me well will know how I feel about this date. For those of you that don’t, I guess you will find out.

Today has been shit. Really shit. To the point where I realized that I don’t want to do this anymore, And don’t fucking tell me that medication will help. I know it won’t, It will just basically numb my emotions so i’m like a lifeless robot (funnily ironic right?) I don’t want to do these routines anymore, I figured out that on a school night, The only time really where I don’t have mandatory routines is at school. And well.. I struggle with school as it is. But I do have to touch things three times.. That routine counts everywhere. Don’t say I could get help, The only help that will supposedly help me is medication and CBT. Because i’m that severe… CBT won’t help much by itself.

So yeah, I kinda see my brain as a machine with all the cogs turning and whirring. Apart from in the mental health part of my brain, I imagine all of the names of my mental health problems being stuck between the cogs so that part of the machine doesn’t run smoothly.

I am all sorts of fucked up, For the newbies reading this. Don’t try to get to know me. You won’t like it.. I just feel sorry for the people that know me now. This world is fucked up, But I do believe that anyone willing to fight will succeed and live a happy life.. I’ve been fighting for 4 years. And i’m so tired of it. I’m done.

This is it.. My story may be coming to an end? No more routines, No more voices, No more exhaustion, No more ill health, No more anxiety… Just… Nothing? Bliss, in some terms.

Today walking home from school.. It started to rain, Just before I had to do a routine. I was also listening to my iPod.. As all f that happened the audio recording that Luis had made for me came on. Ironic really.. We always talked about my OCD and how he wanted to kiss me in the rain.. It hurt to think about it. But i’m going to move on… One way or another. Obviously.

I don’t know what to do. I really don’t.

And finally, today during school. I nearly had a breakdown. I’ve imagined so many times in my head what it would be like and how people would react. Maybe just trying to reassure myself if it did happen… It’s the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do. Keep it together whilst writing shit down that I wasn’t actually paying attention to, And trying not to look suspicious so my Teacher wouldn’t notice.

I’m getting sick of this.