Worse and worse.

I went to the doctors. They said I most likely have a stomach ulcer from too much smoking and alcohol and pills.
That’s never good. If It bursts well.. I’ll have to get an operation and I could die.
But for some strange reason I’m not even scared about it? I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. It could be the alcohol. I’m so tired. All the time. I just can’t do anything. I get distracted so easily it’s ridiculous. I’m becoming more anti-social and hostile towards people who show concern for me. I honestly just want to scream at people and tell them that I’m not okay. But I can’t. I have friends, a boyfriend, a social life. I can’t lose all that just to go back to my old ways.
It’s all coming back and I try and push it away because I know I’ll look back in a few months and kick myself for letting go of everything I had just so I could bathe in my own self pity for a few days and look pathetic and pitiful. I don’t know where or who to turn to any more. For every person I talk to a different part of me comes out, but it’s always the same false smile. It actually saddens me that I put in so much effort into getting where I am today. I dressed differently, changed the way I spoke, ate, drank, dressed, I changed my weight so people wouldn’t be afraid to get close to me. Anorexia generally drives people away because they feel as if they get close to you they will have to mind you like a patient rather than a friend. I stopped self-harming, I put on a smile, I laughed and went out more. I changed my entire lifestyle for other people rather than myself. A thing I said I would never do. Now I’m both sides of the story. I’m like two people co-existing in one very hurt body. I’m fragile, frail, I don’t know where to go or when to turn, I’m not even moving any more. I’v stopped in time and I’m just lying here praying for a way to get out.