I am extremely unhappy. Whereas a few days ago I had a little bit of hope and miniscule amounts of positive energy, these last 48 hours I have been depleted. My heart has slowed and my body has sunken in.
I am terrified. Today in class I could hardly breathe. I tried to duck out before it started but I ran into the professor. I could barely speak and I was trying not to get sick the whole time. Electric stomach, glass eyes. I had to wait in the building before leaving to go back to my room because I couldn’t handle the idea of people looking at me while I was walking. Eyes are daggers or precision bombs. I hate eyes.
I am very behind on my classes and overwhelmed because of it. I will do the work, yet I panic at the thought of going to class. Getting there in the sea of stares, feigning human emotions, the need for coherent communication- there are so many horrifying facets of this black diamond. So I stay home inside my head and fall behind on my work again.
I have no goals. The ones I usually fantasize about just don’t mean anything to me right now. I think I might have said those words too much and in doing so used up their meaning.
Killing myself seems like an easy way to wipe the slate clean. Then I won’t owe anyone anything and I don’t have to suffer through other people’s emotions anymore. I’m too rational for this. I dream that one night I’ll panic and gain (lose) my senses and just bite the bullet. Should I be so lucky!
I keep pushing this body to function. I manually operate the legs and the mouth, but the gears grind when I shift. Everyone can see my stops and stutters. I can’t afford the fuel anymore though.