since i’m already here might as well vent out a little bit. maybe some input may give me a bit more perspective instead of using the option of death to calm me down.
turned 24 last month, introverted, depressed for the past 10 years or so, finding it difficult fitting in the modern world and i find it difficult to connect with people and a deeper level. i feel so detached from everything and everyone. i’m more often than not, isolated from the “real” world and watching other people live their lives to the fullest is making me wonder why i can’t do the same thing. i try to live, but it feels so… artificial somehow. i’m rarely motivated, and when i am, it’s often about something no one cares about. i can’t help but think that maybe i am indeed…broken. like there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. i feel like a walking corpse.Â I’veÂ been given advise by my boss (she’s a wonderful patient person) about life and how it’s normal for people to struggle sometimes and there will always be people better than me (i’m naturally inclined to compare myself andÂ unforgivablyÂ brutal when it comes to self assessment, which is pretty much my environment growing up) but i’m rather tired of fighting what i think is a losing battle. also in my head, there’s a constant fear of people not accepting me for who i am cause almost everyone i met always wanted me to change. “you could have been valedictorian if itÂ weren’tÂ for your personality” says one teacher and the comment reached me via my mother and i felt Â bad about it.
i know what’s needed to be done. i know that i need to change a few aspect in my life. but i’m really struggling to put into play these advises and the fact that i feel like i’m alone in this battle is making me feel worse.
there are other people out there who suffered fate far worse than what i’m currently facing and i seem to have people who are open to help me, and i feel even more pathetic knowing those fact X.X sigh… (apologies for the rant)