Attempting again.

I’ve been trying to stay positive for a month now. I’ve been trying not to think about negative thoughts, but it’s coming back. All of it. I’m having a panic attack for something so stupid. To make a long story short, I got a job today at The Gap, I start Thursday and I’m worrying about it because of something so dumb. Okay, as we all know I’m shy, and   pretty much an introvert. I’m going to be a sales associate, they also want me to harass and sell customers credit cards and I am not comfortable doing that at all. I’m freaking out, for something so little. Why can’t I just get on with my life already and get my career right! I just want to be in college, In a dorm studying with my roommates and worrying about a test I’m suppose to pass in the morning. Instead I am stressing about a job. That i haven’t even started yet. I’m panicking. Crying. I’m so afraid of the world and I don’t know why. I’m scared that I’ll get threatened by a customer again.

For some reason I know this isn’t the only reason why I’m having these thoughts. It has to be more. I know it’s because I feel like I’m not doing nothing with my life and I’m just wasting it. It’s nothing here for me. I have to die, I feel like it’ll be best for me. I just hate this, and really just want to attempt do this again and succeed now. I hate who I am. How I’m always so afraid of the world. I know the manager who interviewed me doesn’t even like me. You should have saw her today, it was a group interview and the way she kept looking at me was like “why is she here”? I hate that, she didn’t even pay attention to me. She kept making eye contact to the other two, and the other two pretty much ignored me the whole time. I need this job, but I need this attempt to happen more. I hate that I’m an Introvert. That I don’t leave the house like that and I sit and Blog about stupid crap all day. Ugh. I need to do this and do it a different way. I have to find some way to succeed this time.