So every single morning, I wake up. Obviously, either wise i wouldnt be here right now and you wouldn’t be reading this crappy entry. but oh well. anyways, i do my normal routine, get ready for school, stare at myself in the mirror, criticize myself, decide whether or not i should skip breakfast, blahblahblah. sounding familiar? .. then i get to school, dont know who to be around with in the morning, should i hang out with my backstabbing friends , or be a loner and get looks and shit? i choose the latter most times. school goes pretty fine, heart hurts everytime i see him (long story) , head hurts when i listen to my ‘friends’ bickering nonstop about pointless drama, and always trying to aim for better grades. it usually goes fine, ya know. -sorry if its boring, but it gets better soon- . but thats when i get homee, to my younger siblings, and thats when the arguments and fighting start. i make food, i clean the house, i clean up after them, i study and do my homework, and by the time my mom comes home, the apartment is brilliant. but she always has something to point out . always has something to fucking criticize. -.-” always has a topic to scream at me about. the night usually ends in slamming doors, police coming, screaming, and crying. i sob myself to sleep almost every night, but this is a secret of my own. no one else knows.
i cry and i cry and i cry. i think why am i still here? then i cut. i try to resist, but who can when ur at rock bottom? consider suicide, takes pills out of the drawer and i just sit there staring at the bottle. i never go through with it though. never. and then around 3 am , im tired senseless, so i drift off to bed, and i have nightmares. every night. always with murder in it, or suicide, or just some horror thing i cant get out of. ive been having these nightmares since…. oh i dont know,,,, when i turned 9? its funny, cause i know every single nightmare ive had, (they re-occur) but i never stop screaming. or crying when i wake up. i just dont get used to it. awkkward.
soo… question… ?
How do you know if you have depression or anxiety or whatever its called? I dont want to get tested though.. Then my mother and sister and brother and friends will know. social suicide. Answer below I guess?
Entry of a fucked up 14 year old. (x
~Kiki
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2 comments
any advice or comments given here should never be taken as a diagnosis of any kind. the only way to be sure of your situation from an outside perspective is to tell someone that you want to talk to a counselor or therapist or doctor. it may be social suicide, but it is the only way to obtain a clinical diagnosis.
that being said, based on what you wrote, and the fact that you are posting on this forum to begin with is a telling indicator that there is pretty severe stress and pain in your life right now.
you seem to be smart enough to understand the problems, and that is a promising beginning. to find the answers though, it may require you to do something that you do not wish to do. one of the saddest things (in my opinion anyway) to learn about life is that very often we must do the things we do not want to do, because we have to. learning that difference, and following through with the consequences, is what makes life what it is though.
i am sorry that you cry nearly every night. from personal experience, i know that makes it that much more difficult to want to face the next day at all. i hope you are able to find your balance soon.
Hey Ruined Dreams,
This really sounds to me like your life is a bit screwed up and you hate it, with good reason. Some of the comments you made- really sound like me when I was in high school- and even still now… about criticizing yourself, having friends who are backstabbers. I usually choose being lonely over backstabbers too-might I add- but sometimes it get can pretty freaking lonely right? So then you go back to the backstabbers out of desperation, right? Do yourself a favor and commit to not going to the backstabbers. IS there any ONE person that you can confide in rather than these morons that make you feel bad about yourself??? IF not, I’d still recommend you go solo- and do whatever you have to– to cope. I pray- I journal- find whatever works for you to keep you from the edge, which is a dangerous place to be.
As far as the family drama goes… there probably isn’t much you can do about that, and you know better than I (or anyone else who posts here) what is actually going on. The only piece of hope I can give you for that is that it will eventually end because at 18 you can legally be your own guardian. IF you can make it that long… it has an end. So does high school. Junior High/High school will end eventually and there are better things to come than that crap.
If you wanted to get treated, you would have to tell your parents, because you would have to go to the doctors to get diagnosed with depression/anxiety. (This sucks I know). It is quite possible you are depressed based on what you wrote. You are experiencing some of the warning signs- like crying frequently. You have to decide whether or you can make it through until you can get out from under your parent’s roof (to get health care on your own), or whether it is worth it to you– to own up to what you are going through– and talk to your parents about going to a doctor.
I never told my parents 1/3rd of what was going on in my head and I suffered for years. I am just now getting my own health care and trying to gets meds… a therapist or something… I probably shouldn’t have waited this long. But I am glad that I finally can do that without fear of social stigma. I know that probably doesn’t help you a whole lot… but it is something to think about. I really hope you can hang in there. I’ll be praying for you.
-Drowning