I think I’m drowning myself. I keep pushing myself backward. Every time I shove myself forward four steps, I fall backwards nine. I convince myself to do something and all I see in myself in the mirror is self-hate. I went out to a prayer group tonight, and by the end of the group I was already back to hating on myself. I have no self-esteem. I think I am worth nothing. I don’t want to exist anymore. There are moments when I think that maybe I shouldn’t kill myself, but mostly I just want to end my life. Then I come on SP and write something sad like this, because maybe somebody else will write that they are going through the same thing. I feel pathetic.
I have a huge need to be around other people and I’m drowning in my own self-hate and my lack of social interactions. I have friends… but they don’t live where I do. I moved for a job and making new friends stinks. I recently broke up with my long-term boyfriend and I hate that I can’t call him. I was just using him for emotional support and I knew it wasÂ unhealthy… now I have almost no emotional/social support. So I feel just as badly as I did before I broke-up about a month ago. I am not making new friends. I just feel broken. I am broken. My spirit is BROKEN. I want to quit.
There is a social event associated with the group I went to tonight, and I really want to not go- because that is what I do. I push myself to do these things, and then I don’t follow-through. I shrink back and run away. I could just go to a flea market by myself on Saturday which has the potential to be epic, but I have an opportunity to go socialize and I’d rather go to the flea market by myself, because it is safer.
Then there is this other relationship that I wish I had that I don’t have. I really like spending time with someone from work and because she is a supervisor and I can’t really ask if she wants to hang out outside of work. It really is stressing me out, because I feel so alone and I’d love to ask her to just go to a cafe and chat or anything… and it is really not a good idea. I think she would probably say no due to professional boundaries and that would just be awkward for awhile. So I don’t want to do that either. I could have potentially screwed up my job this week, because I was feeling suicidal at work in the morning. I saw my supervisor and we were walking down the steps. I tried to hug her from behind and instead I almost made us both fall down the stairs. She thinks I fell, because I’m clumsy and I trip a lot. She has no idea I was practically screaming inside because I wanted to die. This is right after I almost crashed us both down the steps….
Her: “Are you ok?”
Me: “Uh, no. I mean I guess. Yes. No.”
Her: “Are you sure you’re ok?”
Me: “Um. No.”
Her: “We can talk later. Any issues with work?”
Her: “Are you ok?”
Me: “Um, yes.”
Her: “See you tomorrow.”
This was a half-truth. In comparison to the morning, yes I was doing better. OK. Is a relative term after all… am I ok? Nope.
Because I can’t actually tell her, because then I’d probably lose my job due to being mentally instable. Plus what would I have said? I can’t say everything I said above. SO what I do… I tell all the world wide web instead of her, or anyone I actually know in real life, because this is safer.