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Drowning

by drowninginloneliness

I think I’m drowning myself. I keep pushing myself backward. Every time I shove myself forward four steps, I fall backwards nine. I convince myself to do something and all I see in myself in the mirror is self-hate. I went out to a prayer group tonight, and by the end of the group I was already back to hating on myself. I have no self-esteem. I think I am worth nothing. I don’t want to exist anymore. There are moments when I think that maybe I shouldn’t kill myself, but mostly I just want to end my life. Then I come on SP and write something sad like this, because maybe somebody else will write that they are going through the same thing. I feel pathetic.

I have a huge need to be around other people and I’m drowning in my own self-hate and my lack of social interactions. I have friends… but they don’t live where I do. I moved for a job and making new friends stinks. I recently broke up with my long-term boyfriend and I hate that I can’t call him. I was just using him for emotional support and I knew it was unhealthy… now I have almost no emotional/social support. So I feel just as badly as I did before I broke-up about a month ago. I am not making new friends. I just feel broken. I am broken. My spirit is BROKEN. I want to quit.

There is a social event associated with the group I went to tonight, and I really want to not go- because that is what I do. I push myself to do these things, and then I don’t follow-through. I shrink back and run away. I could just go to a flea market by myself on Saturday which has the potential to be epic, but I have an opportunity to go socialize and I’d rather go to the flea market by myself, because it is safer.

Then there is this other relationship that I wish I had that I don’t have. I really like spending time with someone from work and because she is a supervisor and I can’t really ask if she wants to hang out outside of work. It really is stressing me out, because I feel so alone and I’d love to ask her to just go to a cafe and chat or anything… and it is really not a good idea. I think she would probably say no due to professional boundaries and that would just be awkward for awhile. So I don’t want to do that either. I could have potentially screwed up my job this week, because I was feeling suicidal at work in the morning. I saw my supervisor and we were walking down the steps. I tried to hug her from behind and instead I almost made us both fall down the stairs. She thinks I fell, because I’m clumsy and I trip a lot. She has no idea I was practically screaming inside because I wanted to die. This is right after I almost crashed us both down the steps….

9:00amish

Her: “Are you ok?”

Me: “Uh, no. I mean I guess. Yes. No.”

Her: “Are you sure you’re ok?”

Me: “Um. No.”

Her: “We can talk later. Any issues with work?”

Me: “Nope.”

 

5pmish…

Her: “Are you ok?”

Me: “Um, yes.”

Her: “See you tomorrow.”

 

This was a half-truth. In comparison to the morning, yes I was doing better. OK. Is a relative term after all… am I ok? Nope.

Because I can’t actually tell her, because then I’d probably lose my job due to being mentally instable. Plus what would I have said? I can’t say everything I said above. SO what I do… I tell all the world wide web instead of her, or anyone I actually know in real life, because this is safer.

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jmvsic 10/16/2012 - 9:37 pm

if i might make an observation?

you seem acutely aware of the differences between being alone, and loneliness. it is maybe not so far to then wonder if you seek one over the other. your desire to reach out and be part of something intimate, but backing away at every given chance might be biting at the root of your fear of abandonment. i may be wrong, but i often find myself in a similar way as you.

whatever support you were getting (healthy or otherwise) from your previous boyfriend was important to you. it established at least one link to an viably meaningful connection to yourself, at least the part of you that was able to be comforted.

in my experiences, i was most detrimental to myself when i became aware of my own happiness. i felt undeserving of such feelings, and began to tear myself (and my relationship with the love of my life) down. feelings of worthlessness and self hate are always going to plague you for one reason or another. it’s not that they are true however… it’s just your mind giving in to your fears. at least for me it is that way.

when we try and fail at being “normal”, it makes our differences that much more obvious, and our pain that much more palpable.
everyone has value. everyone has worth. try to not define yours in what you lack, but rather in what you are.

drowninginloneliness 10/17/2012 - 7:26 am

I think you are probably right, JMVSIC. I have definitely have a fear of abandonment. When it started becoming so obvious that I have this fear of abandonment was probably a long time ago…

Right, regardless of whatever connection I had with him we had there was a connection and now there is none.

I always tear myself down. I just keep letting these thoughts of worthlessness trickle back into my head, and it is a constant stream of nonsense. I have to make a conscious effort to stream out all the negative thoughts that I have about myself built up in my head.

Thanks for the thoughts. I will try and remember what you said about not defining myself by what I lack, bur rather what I am. Thanks.

Here is to trying again today…

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