Endless Madness

When I was young, I was ‘diagnosed’ as being gifted. High intelligence, learns fast. They forgot to mention the side effects. I analyse everything and everyone. I can’t stand being around people. They never say anything interesting. Meaningless discussions about the boring crap they do all day long and are planning to do. I can make almost anyone like me with the masks of sanity I put on every day. Cheerful to some, great listener to others and a serious guy to more others, everyone likes me. I have a good job and decent enough looks, by all accounts a great guy.
But noone sees through the charade. Haven’t been able to feel anything for years. No falling in love, no caring about others. I want to, I really do. But the only emotions my brain seems capable of producing are frustration and indifference.

When I’m alone my thoughts keep spiraling. Why am I in this world? What is the point of any of this? If everything ends up dying, is there a point in waiting for the inevitable? I can still choose how and when I want to die. I’m weighing up the pros and cons but I’m running out of pros. I stick around because of my cat. When the day comes that she leaves this world, I’ll be joining her. Why do they call this life a gift, and why is the only thing on my mind a way to give it back?

It’s funny how we try to change only to end up on the same path anyway. I don’t want to be alone, but I can’t stand being around others either. I want to talk to someone about this, but at the same time I don’t care what they think about it anyway. I want things to change but have no actual interest in changing them. It just seems completely pointless.

Nothing bad has ever happened to me. Some stories here are much worse. I wasn’t abused by my parents, I wasn’t raped, any mistakes that I’ve made are mine and mine alone. But man, I just don’t give a shit anymore.

I’ll be leaving soon enough. Will stand by my cat as long as she needs me, then disappear without a trace, find a high mountain to jump off, maybe pull a gun halfway through the fall to reduce the risk of surviving and ending up as a vegetable.

They said I was gifted.
They forgot to mention every gift has its price.

I’m done with this world. To those who want to keep fighting: Good for you, keep your heads up, hope you find happiness. And to those who choose to end it, may your path be painless. I’ll be joining you soon enough.