Please read my entire post before commenting…
My whole life has been me slipping in and out of depression, so I know what it’s like finally feel renewed and pull out of depression.Â That said, I’ve never felt this bad before about myself… it’s unprecedented for me to feel THIS bad.Â You know how people say they’ve hit rock bottom? Well, to give you perspective, I feel like rock bottom was the thing that hit me on the head, that’s how low I am.
So what happened to get me this low?Â It’s a list of things that have piled on me.Â 1) I only have $30 to my name.Â I am unemployed and have no source of income.Â Once I spend this last $30 on food (I’ll try to draw it out as long as I can) I won’t have any way of eating.Â I have to walk 5 miles to the store since my car doesn’t have enough gas to get back and forth, and I don’t want to use my money for gas instead of food.Â I don’t know how to get food stamps or anything like that, and my parents would probably be ashamed if they found out that I started to become a “welfare child” for the government. My parents are proud people, they don’t accept any for of charity and that would make them so mad… Since my unemployment, my family has treated me worse and worse, as you’ll read in my next point.
2) My family hates me.Â This is the thing that really got the ball rolling this morning.Â For a while now, whenever I talked to my family they would have nothing to say to me other than making fun of my “loser-ness” or telling me how I’m garbage and the like.Â But this morning was the worst.Â You see, I live with my parents (sad huh?) only because I don’t have an income for my own place, which sucks because they hate me, particularly my mom does.Â This morning all I wanted to do was sleep in because sleeping makes my pain feel less… painful.Â Sometimes I have good dreams which make me feel better, and even the nightmares I get are a better scenario than the hell I’m in right now.
Anyways, this morning I wanted to sleep in, and my mom and brother walk in telling me to get up.Â They wanted to take me out to “breakfast” but in reality they wanted to have an ‘intervention’ with me at ihop.Â I overheard them talking last night of doing that, and usually I wouldn’t pass up a free meal but once again, I wanted to sleep in.Â So instead they had a mini-intervention right in my room while I was half asleep.Â They said how I was a loser in detail and my mom said she was no longer going to support me and never forgive me; in other words, kick me out of the house.Â They are at breakfast right now so I am alone.Â I know what you’re thinking, they wouldn’t have said those things if I decided to go to breakfast with them, “self fulfilling prophecy” in all, but I can assure you they would have said the same things to me in a “nicer” way at ihop.
Listen, I’m not addicted to anything, no drugs, no alcohol, not even electronics… but these frequent “interventions” are their way of trying to “help” me out of my depression… Yes, you read that right, they try to pull me out of my depression by yelling at me and calling me names and saying that I’m worthless.Â I told them I’m depressed and guess what they said, “Oh! This again? Pshh, you’ll just get over it like last time.” They don’t understand that there’s different levels of depression… this time its worse.
3) I have no friends.Â Nothing much to say about this other than I wish I had friends I could talk to, which I guess is why I’m in this site posting all of this.Â I need a friend, and not just someone who will comment and make me feel good about myself for a moment, I physically need someone to be there for me or someone to rely on when I’m down, so I don’t get depressed all the time like this.Â How do I solve this problem? I can genuinely say, since I have no means of going places, I can’t make new friends; and that’s assuming people will start to accept me.
4) I’m going to get kicked out.Â Like I said earlier, they think I’m a loser and that I’m trash.Â They are almost starting to become violent, which is why I think they are wanting to kick me out before they hit me or something.Â Trust me, I would move out if I could, but I have no money.Â By the way, I forgot to say that I have to pay for my own food, I can’t take anything from the cupboard that’s not mine.
5) I am incapable of sustaining a relationship.Â This is minor in comparison to my other problems, but I’m the kind of guy that loves to be loved, especially if they were a significant other.Â My last girlfriend two years ago which lasted 5 months.Â I’ll be honest, if all I had was a girlfriend that loved me that would be all I needed. I’d be more motivated than I am right now, and I wouldn’t be depressed all the time.Â The problem is, every girl I’ve dated (I’ve dated 4) has rejected ME withing 2-5 months.Â Every time I am heart broken.Â This isn’t why I’m suicidal, but it doesn’t help either.
So that’s it.Â I’m poor, I’m about to be kicked out, and no one loves me.Â Have you guys heard of the 3 or 4 things that man needs in order to survive?Â Â I believe the first 3 things (physical) are food, heat, and shelter.Â The 4th thing (emotional) is love.Â I’ve lost the 4th thing a long time ago, but now I’m losing the first 3 things now.Â No money to buy food, no shelter because I’m getting kicked out, and no heat because it’s winter coming up soon.
I’m not going to make it before the end of the year, whether I want to die or not.Â Starvation, exposure, suicide, it’s all the same to me at this point, it’s just a matter of time and preference.Â I do not have access to a phone to call 911 or that hotline.Â If I need to make a phone call I have to use a family member’s cell phone, and they are all gone. I have no house phone or cell phone.Â Right next to me I have a 20 gauge shotgun loaded with one shell ready to fire.Â My plan is to look my evil mom in the eye as she gets home from breakfast and pull the trigger with my toe, pointed at my head so I can die knowing that she and everyone else in the family can feel the pain that I’ve felt BECAUSE of them!
They’ll be home within 30 minutes.Â If I don’t hear a good reason not to kill myself before my mom and brother get home from breakfast, you’ll never hear from me again… not that I’ll be missed. Honestly.