   Today, one of the worst days of my life. It well.. started yesterday. Me and my boyfriend had an argument. Turns out he doesnt trust me. This is the second time he thinks im cheating on him! Anyways, we were talking..them came the yelling, and well then nothing. He left. Just like that. So today, at school i tried to talk to him, say sorry. But he would ignore me the whole time. I ended cutting again… Its been like 2 weeks that i havent cut until today..at school. I guess i needed it again. To help me take my mind off things. and feel.. Pain? But by doing that I fail, i failed my family, i failed myself.. With my family.. bout 2-3 weeks ago they found out about my cutting..they made me promise i wouldnt do it again. But i failed them. I failed my ‘love’ ones. So, on school..i practically was feeling weak and dizzy , my best friend says its because i dont eat. But who the fuck cares right? Anyways..with the nonstop bleeding wrists..i was also dizzy as fuck. I keept holding on things, falling a couple of times.. And well, i couldnt stop crying also. Which is very weird for me to cry in school. I mean, never have my friends seen me cry, nor others. Now? They saw everything, how i was a little ***** crying her eyes out because of a ‘fight’. So the day went like that..i keept thinking.. “He’s over you, he doesnt want you anymore! Go kill yourself.. your worthless without him! GO! GO! GO!” But i never did it.. Well i did toke some pills. they were sleeping pills. Toke half the bottle, Hoping not to wake up! But again a fail. I have been cutting since 4th grade and suicidal in 5th. im in middle school right now. I have been having suicidal thoughts again.. Since my dad started drinking again. I hate him! But at the same time..i still love him. Its very difficult to explain. so.. i dont know what to do.. Im lost. i just want to die.. Let myself let go of everything.. I wish this would be just a fucking nightmare. Wake up and.. be happy. Not faking a smile to everyone. And actually smile for once.. I need help. I guess.. this is just the beggining.. for now.. Lets hope ill Hang On.
Im sorry if half of this doesnt make sense… Im still figuring myself out. Hoping to find myself…and come out of the closet..
Until then…. im the Nobody..
2 comments
Things will get better. They always do. If your boyfriend doesn’t trust you and he has no reason not to trust you, he’s not worth your time. As for the cutting? I think your ‘loved ones’ as you call them, should help you, and making you promise to cut doesn’t count as help. If you wanna talk I’m here…
I understand.
You replied to one of my posts soo, that’s bascially how I got to see one of your posts :PP
But I understand. I understand how you wish that everything was just a nightmare and that you could just wake up and everything would be okay.. But I guess life doesn’t work that way though.. But on the other hand like the first comment said.. Things do get better and sometimes they won’t but at one point they will. They have to. Because that’s just how life and god works.
Your boyfriend obviously cares about you.. He’s probably jealous but that gives him no right to just leave you! Give it some time.. I also understand that how time can be painful too because it’s too long sometimes.
But your defineatly not worthless without him. With or without him you are worth it! And don’t you dare think your bit worthless without him!
You’re perfect with or without him, remember that.
And I understand how your trying to figure your way out.. Hell, I don’t even know where I stand and which way I’m supposed to go but I think every person is kind of like that. And as for figuring your way, you’ve got your whole life ahead of you to figure that out!!