I, like many other people, am a “lucky” person.
I have a great family, everything I could want and more, many friends who are supportive of me, and a good life in general.
Yet, all the while, I feel this emptiness inside me where emotions should be. Whenever I feel “happy”, it’s more close to feeling something close to happiness, almost like its shadow. If emotions were people, they would come knocking on the door of my heart, then before I can open the door and let it in, it leaves, making me feel something ALMOST like emotions.
Am I becoming heartless? Unable to feel any emotion anymore? I have suicidal thoughts, I cut myself, I listen to creepy music (as some would say), I am weird, different, unlikeable and pretty much don’t deserve everything I have – including life itself. There are many reasons for me to be unhappy, locking myself away from the world like so many depressed people do.
And yet, I find that I am able to live life as though nothing is wrong. I can put on a fake smile, fake laugh, go about whistling a tune, helping everyone out, living life in what are accepted as normal ways. I can shut away the feelings of sadness, pain, remorse and suicidal thoughts that are inside of me so that they are next to non-existent. However, I can’t feel much happy emotions and think happy thoughts either… There is no concept of emotion inside of me.
Have I become LITERALLY heartless? Emotionless? Numb? Is this even possible?
>>Life sucks, and then you die
5 comments
I think you sound like a LOT of us.
When I was locked up in the nut house, we first tried to keep it quiet within the family. When my sis found out she was like “what??, Really??”. Totally stunned – cuz I am the funny, joking around guy. But the outside never seems to match the inside – does it.
We all hide our pain in different ways. And I observe MANY people who are loud are actually terrified of being noticed.
Life DOES suck. The only positive that I can say to you is that THIS world is not supposed to be perfect. It isn’t heaven. That awaits some of us. Hope you are in the right column. 🙂
Peace to you.
Yeah, I know I sound like most everyone else. There’s literally millions of people like me in the world. But that doesn’t mean my problem is solved…is it?
Seriously a human being that feels like they can’t feel anything? I’m on the low side of life and yet I can’t even feel negative emotions anymore. like WTH is up with that?
That guy up there was right you know. Life really does suck, doesn’t it? And people seem to suck the life out of us all the time. We’re in different situations, but there’s no difference in the pain we feel. I act like a I’m always happy. I smile at people, and I charm them. But no one ever sees the true pain. It can numb you after awhile, but sometimes, the pain is too great to bear. At least we still have people that love us. People that care about us, even though we don’t deserve it.
-Your friend
We’ll have to keep trying and pushing forward despite the numbing pain.
You feel like that (emotionless) because for some unknown (may be, even to you) reasons you don’t like yourself (perhaps because your real self falls short of your ideal conception of you). You feel you don’t deserve the cheerful and happy people around you. So you consciously or unconsciously refrain from emotional exchanges with who you perceive to be nice and too good to be around you. You have to love yourself to be able to feel positively about others. We unconsciously set high benchmarks for ourselves to be accepted as lovable and I am no exception. I hope this is of any help to you. I am also trying to love myself but failing miserably all the time. I think u are a very nice person and would be a charming person when you start loving yourself. I know the hardest thing in the world is to ACCEPT OURSELVES AS WE ARE and if you feel you can’t handle it, you ignore the whole thing by occupying yourself in some other mentally demanding work like I am doing right now. Like the others say, life sucks! But, there are others who love you and you have got to live for them.
Wow…this sounds a lot like me.
Though there is one thing to say about feeling numb, empty, emotionless, and the inability to feel happy. Honestly, depression robs you of it. It steals away those good feelings and you are only left with the dark and pain.
And it does sound it’s more of a brain chemical thing( if there is something causing your depression ).
Though that’s what they told me, and I’m on meds. Though I still struggle to ACTUALLY FEEL happy or make it feel as those though laughs are real, not just something I’m faking. Hard to escape the sadness that’s in you – and more importantly harder to STOP going back to those dark thoughts that seem to be the only thing in your mind.
I haven’t quite given up( hence me being here ), though I’m not going to lie and say it get’s better for good. ’cause, at least I haven’t experience that. HOWEVER, I do believe it’s possible for you to reachieve the ability to feel emotions other than sadness and pain. To feel love, and happiness – no matter how brief. So don’t give up hope on that – don’t tell yourself that it’s impossible, because it’s not.
Anyway, sorry for the rant – also probably listen to the posts above me.