I can’t live like this anymore.

~Who I am, for the time being~

Hello, I’m AemsTheHero, I’m 15 years old and I’m pansexual. I’m 5’4″-5’6″ ft tall. I’m around 110-125 lbs. My biological father no longer lives with me,  I live with my mom’s boyfriend and my mother. I have a 19 year old sister, and a step-sister. I have two brothers, a younger and an older one. I’m not going to lie to you guys. ( My brothers aren’t by blood, but they are still my brothers, you’ll see why soon.). I have a /new/ young step-sister, older step-sister, and new younger step-brother. I’m not like normal girls, I’m quite unique and I’m very different. I’m single, I don’t have any pets. I don’t have a close family.  I have so many scars on my body, that people ask about daily. I’m a light tan skin tone, dirty blonde, hazel eyes that turn amber in the snow. I have white teeth, no braces and I have all my teeth. I have arms and legs, which I’m very grateful. Right now, my knee might get surgery. I did something stupid that I shouldn’t have done. I deserve it, yes. I do deserve my pain and injury right now. I have a heart condition, ‘Mitral Valve Prolapse’. I have a chemical disbalance in my brain, no I am not mentally ill… Well, I might be, I haven’t gotten checked, my mom wont let me get checked for mental illnesses. I forget things, though. My IQ is 146. But, my grades are crap. I’m trying to get scholarships, I’m trying to get a job, but I can’t do any of that. I’m too young to get a job, where I live. No matter how hard I look for. And I don’t think I’m capable of ever being selected, to get a scholarship.

Now, I’m going to develop my story. I may miss some parts, but every day or sometimes. I remember something new, something traumatizing or something nice. It’s rare for the nice things though.

~Infancy~

As a baby, I had several operations. They removed my tonsils and my amygdala removed. My ears were also operated on. I was submitted into a hospital at the age of 2-3, for I believe it was a week? I had intestinal problems, I could’ve died that day. But, I did not. What happened was. I couldn’t eat, and I had gastritis chronic.

~Childhood~

As a child, my father molested me, around the age of 4-6. I looked up to this man and attacked my mother as a child repeatedly, to defend my father. My father did drugs, and he was a horrible man. I was hit, and beaten by him throughout my childhood, my mother claims to have been there to defend me. Because, of him. I got my first fracture. My right clavicle was fractured by my own father, hilarious, right? The man of the house beating on a defenseless child. This went on till I turned eleven. That is when my mother had enough of my father’s lies, (he didn’t work by the way), she was exhausted and my father hit her too when he couldn’t do his drugs, on a cruise. I must admit, my /mother/, not my father, tried to make the best of my childhood. Paid for everything and everyone. My father did nothing, but gamble, cheat, lie, waste money, do drugs and beat us. My sister, was as well molested, the story about my sister is very complicated. I will explain it, in a different section. As I grew up as a child, I was very, crazy, mental, angry. I only bullied one person, one time, because I felt accepted. Never again, did I bully someone. And I regret that choice of mine. I know I shouldn’t have done that to someone else, when I, Myself, was bullied as a child. It’s funny, one time my bullies stole my pet turtle from my backyard, who knows what happened to it. But, if anything they were sick monsters. If they killed that poor, innocent creature because of me. Then, they should have just killed me. I was the one who deserved death.

I was, quite the neglected child, heh. All I had was my video games, I never asked for much though, never did… I never wanted anything else, then video games… My mom, was a *****, she gave my N64 away to our family that lives in Cuba, guess what? They broke it, my father sold my PS1 for drugs, hah… Everything I loved was teared away from me as a child. Every 2 years, we’d move. My mom moved us back and forth from USA to MEX, constant.

Going back to the age of 6, I almost died again. I did everything possible to escape being near my family. I was crazy, as said. I used to finger animals anuses, fuck man. I was a crazy *****… One day, we went to a farm, there were farm animals and, I just wondered off, there was this /one/ animal that would always follow me around, not a dog, not a cat, not a chicken, not even a sheep. It was a donkey, you’ve never heard that one before right? Well, I ran off, into the fenced area where the horses, cows, anything that could kick, honestly. And that donkey, followed me in, he wouldn’t leave my side, he knew if he left the horses, cows, etc. would kick. They tried to get close to kick, but that donkey didn’t budge, hours later, I was just sitting there, when they found me. They were, scared or so said my mother. Terrified. They thought I’d die, they’d see the rage in those animals, and they’d adored that donkey for taking care of me.

As a child, well fuck, I was stupid. I almost went blind, I was attacked by animal, I deserved it. I would go after a turkey, and pluck out a feather. The donkey wasn’t there at this point, and well the turkey got angry one day, I was 4 at this time. And it attacked me, I fell onto my back, hit my head against a rock, I started screaming for help, I was bleeding, scratched, bruised, 20 lbs turkey on me. Clawing at my chest, pecking at my face. It was aiming for my eyes. I was lucky that, the owners of the farm noticed this, and killed the turkey before it hurt my severely.

Around 9 years old maybe, my aunt attacked me. Yeah, most of my family has hit me at least once, but this woman has hit me more than once. She attacked my because I wouldn’t wake up, she hit me repeatedly because of that, and well… Skipping a few months later, as I said I was neglected. Everyone has that creepy, sexual thing with their cousin. Mine, was a female cousin. First hickey from my female cousin, who was two years younger than me. I, would make up games, sexual ones… So, I wouldn’t be alone anymore, I was pretty fucking lonely as a child. So, I thought if I made games, she’d care about me more and be my friend.

The games we played, I made them up, I don’t know if my father influenced it or not, but these were the games:

> Vampire game: What do vampires do? Drink the blood of their victims, well, the game would start off, with you being tied up on the bed. Then the vampire would nibble on you and drink your blood. At one point she just hooked onto my neck and started sucking on it. I got my hickey and people asked about it, questioning about it in summer camp. Fuck, right? I lied to them, why would I tell them about my cousin?

> Mind Control: The point of this game was that nano-machines were installed onto the victim’s brain. From a jealous woman, the woman would install the chips into your brain. And the nano-machines would control you, when this happened. What would turn out, we put a blanket over the victim and /force/ them to rub their intimate areas against 2-3 pillows stacked up. Until the victim could not move or choose to stop.

Moving on from that creepy side of my past, let’s flip to 3rd grade, you know the D.A.R.E program right? Well, a police as usual came to the school, and I was young, I didn’t know any better. Uh, I wrote this letter, cause you know how school and the government is. They try to get information from these kids, any way possible. I got DCF on our tails and my father knew. So, he didn’t try anything at all during those 2-3 months.

Skipping to the age of 9 again, as a child, fuck I just forgot everything that was in my head, this happens daily as if something is preventing me to keep thoughts or memories, I need to get this checked. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY BRAIN.  I’ll get back to this when I remember, if I do.

Skipping to the age of 10, I lived in MEX at this point, by the way I was anti-social from 1st-6th grade,— I remembered about the thing when I was 9, my step-sister, had just come from CUBA, she was my father’s daughter, he never got married to her mother and  well, she hated my mother because of that. And one day, she started beating herself up in front of me, telling my mother that she was going to go to school and tell everyone that my mother hit her, but my mother never raised her hand at her, I don’t understand why she was acting that way,  it was all because my mother didn’t want her having sex in the house and sneaking boys in during the night, she was in highschool at the time— when I was 10 my grandfather began to beat me up, my grandfather is a rich, old, diabetic monster, who thinks he is right and has ruined my mother’s life. He divorced my mother’s mother and got married with a Mexican and had an in vitro with her, you know that the child has a possibility of getting cancer right? ( The boy is 1 year younger than me.) Well, my 13 year old uncle (he’s turning 14 on October) has cancer! But, he’s recovering! Which is a miracle since he had terminal and was given a month to live… The cancer is one of the worse kinds and decreased 50%. Continuing on, my 60-something year old grandfather, beat me up and my mother /watched/. I still hate her for that day. My Uncle had a rich father, and anything that I liked/wanted guess what, he’d buy it and rub it in my face. I was raised with him, so even though I dislike his way of being. He’s the /only/ family member I’ve ever been close to.

I tried killing myself, various times as a child, many, many times. Sometimes, my mom would wonder why knives were in my room, why there was blood and whatnot. I have cut myself, burnt myself, hit myself, I’ve done so many things to hurt myself because I was sad, hurt, or I felt like I deserved it.

Around 11 years old, after I remembered that my father had molested me. He came to visit… I was scared and I didn’t want him there, but he was… He came into my room and hanged around there… I suppose I hadn’t told my mother yet, I didn’t tell her till I was 12. He was mentioning how beautiful I had grown up to be, and that if I wasn’t his daughter he would’ve, ya’ know…

Now, skipping ahead. My mother was desperate, at this point she had fully lost a husband and she hadn’t been alone for years. That’s the thing she is mostly afraid of, so… There were problems, she changed of boyfriends constantly… Whatever… On the computer, the internet, I felt so safe, so satisfied and content. I could be anyone, and anything… I pretended to be a boy, and I got into a relationship with a gay boy… His name was Kyle he was 18, he didn’t know that I was a girl or my true age. He thought my name was a Damien and that I was 21. I loved him a lot, I needed to be loved, I had never had a boyfriend, girlfriend. I was so desperate for love, I did this crazy thing… Uh, eventually my mom find out, we got into a dispute, verbal/physical fight. I hit her back honestly, I hated to be hit, if you  hit me expect another punch from me, following up. I told Kyle the truth and he broke it off, I can’t blame him. I can’t.

Moving onward things were getting calmer but my mother was getting stressed. She is a HUGE racist, and my sister started dating a Mexican. My mother was not okay with it and would start screaming, yelling, breaking things. I tried to avoid this as much as I could in my life. Continuing to age 13, I was entered to a Military school. I was almost raped, by three guys. I got into a relationship, got out of the relationship, some boys liked me only because I was the only girl which was really awkward for me…

Age 14, I went to another school (I switched a school for every year I was there, which reminds of something, I’ll mention it after this one) I was really calm in this school, it had a funny abbreviation, CUM, it meant Centro de Universitario de Montejo. People accepted me and I got into a relationship with a boy. Moving on to my first year there. I went to a school called Montessori Lancaster, I was calm, made a sister and a brother that were from England, tried talking in English with them, I only got in trouble. One day, the brother of the Brit. Accused me of threatening to kill him with scissors. I don’t know if it’s true at that point, I always had black outs as a child, repressing memories, or just a ‘switch of personality’. I also broke a kid’s nose in that school. I was borderline angry, but I blacked out too, and when I came back to reality there was like 3 teachers holding me back. I get so angry, a kid was kicking me repeatedly and he’d do it on purpose no matter no matter how hard I tried. It go to the point where a kid was dissing me and I thought he was going to hit me. He posed as if he were, so I just snapped.

Moving onto 15 years old.I just moved to Miami, FL again last year. At the beginning of the year in the States, I was homeschooled, for the first half semester… Here it is where everything starts getting ugly again, I was living at my aunt’s house. with my grandmother, mother, sister, cousin (the sexual one) and my aunt. (My aunt got a divorce, I’m glad she did. She was selfish and cruel, and abused her husband), well. My aunt also has diabetes. But, she is overly aggressive and depended on my grandmother’s 600$ income to pay for bills and forced my mother to pay money. While she didn’t pay and didn’t work. She didn’t clean the house, or anything. She just went out, neglected her daughter, partied, forced her daughter to do things she didn’t want to do, (she’d beat the fuck out of her if she didn’t, let’s say if there was a wrapper on the floor, she’d flip the fuck out. She’s an imperfect, fat, useless, scum of the Earth, *****. I hate talking lowly of people, but it has to be said.

One day, my grandmother was sick (I’ve always had this obsession with doing the heroic/right thing since 9+ I think?), so I decided to stay by her side. And my Aunt came home, raging butthurt, and pissed as hell… She started screaming at my grandmother who was cooking and doing the laundry. She literally screamed at her because the floor was dirty. She kept on and on, and on, AND ON. My grandmother looked like she was about to cry, so I snapped, I got really pissed and told her off. She then lunged at me and tried to hit me, I blacked out, and when I came back to reality I was still angry, my hand held her hair in a fist and she was on the floor crying and screaming. My cousin watched terrified of it, and my grandmother was begging me to let her go. Everyone was against me, I was ALWAYS the bad person, even when I tried to be the good person. Eventually, I released her hair and she was screaming and crying, threatening to call the police but I wasn’t scared at all. What was the police going to do to me? It was in defense, and she has been verbally assaulting the family for months now. So, what was there to be afraid of? After that day, we stayed at my mom’s friend’s house. She was a nice lady, divorced, living with her family, she had two good children, well-taught, smart, anxious. I liked living there. We then moved to a rented house 1100$ down the drain daily. Luckily we got food stamps, my mom wasn’t making much money, to be honest. Sometimes it wasn’t even enough, and the man raised the price whenever he wished to… My mom was choking at this point, taking out her stress on me and my sister. My sister started become addicted to the hookah, drugs, she hanged around the bad crowd.

And as usual I tried making the best of everything, I am 15, I didn’t have a quincenera, or whatever. I didn’t have a party, /no one/ came to see me on my birthday except my mom’s friend and she was also the only one that got me a gift for my birthday. I felt so lonely, unloved, hated, depressed… But, something kept me, hanging around. I had these cybernetic friends, but one in specific, David… God, I love that fucker so much.  Just talking to him made my day, knowing and being understood. He loved me back and I was so fucking happy… Even though we had our ups-and-downs, the guy is amazing, talented, perfect. Skipping this part right now, I must mention throughout my childhood what kept me going at some points were my characters and drawings, I literally have made my life into theirs in some sort of way… They ARE me, and I AM them… I created them to feel happy, to think about something instead of the pain. If someone knew my characters as well as I do, they’d know who I am… Everything and anything is symbolic…

Going back onto David; I love him, I really do. But, he’s all the way in NC… Pretty fucking far, 14 hours of a drive, and 189$ for a flight or a bus to where he is. David is a bright child, he really, no matter what or how, I’ve always felt that he made the world shine. Even for a few seconds… I so, desperately, desire to be with him, near him. He has similar, not so-similar problems. And I’d love to just hold him in my arms, for so long. Even if it is for a second, I /die/ to be there. So, I can just slap him, kiss him and then beat the crap out of him. He’s probably reading this too, so, Hi, David… Welcome to my present life! If you guys knew with the shit he deals with from me, you’d pity him, haha.

I fucked up though with him, I did something hasty and stupid… Shadow, the perverted being yet violent being that I could switch to at some points… FUCKED IT ALL UP. I want to blame Shadow, it IS his fault, he manipulated me. But, I was still so stupid, and let it happen. When I moved /AGAIN/ to my mother’s boyfriend’s house at the beach (this time without my sister), I started a new school, blahblahblah, in this school. My first day there, in my Italian I class, Shadow fell in love, I do like her, BUT I LOVE DAVID. Shadow, just fucked, and fucked, and fucked, and fucked, and fucked, and I just agreed to it. Talked to her, he bothered me for at least a week, forcing me to break-up with David and so I did. Even though, David and me were in this really strange relationship (one of the reasons as why I agreed to it), he’d say we weren’t in a relationship, but he was only saying we weren’t in case he made out with some girl or fucked her, he had that excuse (HE TOLD ME THAT.), and so I broke up with David, Shadow took over, I don’t remember at least two days of what happened, and when I came back, this huge revolution of problems rose up. My sister is dating a black guy, doing drugs. My  mother isn’t okay with it, I’m a pansexual and my mother is homophobic and in pure denial. I even asked her one day, “Mom, what do you prefer, your daughter dating a black guy or dating a girl.” and she literally responded “I don’t know which one’s worse”, I felt DESTROYED. She still says that it’s a stage and that I’m confused, but I’m not. I /do/ like girls. And well, moving on ward, my mom is freaking out, overly stressed, because she doesn’t want to break-up with her new boyfriend. She doesn’t want to be alone, she doesn’t have money (she doesn’t have a job.), she goes on and on, and on, and on. Then, I have all these teenage problems, I’M NOT USED TO THIS SHIT, I’M ANTI-SOCIAL, WHAT IS THIS? Feelings are uprising, my 19 year old best friend, Tobi, has his problems, but he seeks for /MY/ help, it’s not that it pisses me off, but he knows I have my own problems. Everyone in my new school, that calls themselves as my friends are throwing this drama teen shit on me, questioning me if I really am pan because I don’t go to GSA, I get bullied by these guys, this guy I think he likes me, but I don’t share the feelings, three guys are hitting on me. Shadow is dragging me to this girl, trying to get into a relationship with her, I’M ON FUCKING CRUTCHES AND WHENEVER HE TAKES OVER, I’M WALKING. WHY, DOES HE DO THAT WHEN I’M INJURED? I told him already that I don’t want to be running after some girl that he likes, and I like her, but not only is she in a relationship she’s not going TO DATE ME. She said she liked me, okay, cool story bro. I /love/ David, my mind is set on him. Why is this going on, my mom just finally realized that my father molested me after 5 years of telling her.

~Relationship~

The only relationship that I’ve had, and loved to be with. Was with Fei, you know Feicoon, right? Famous dA artist, yeah, we had a thing going on. He cheated on me, surprisingly, I got angry, told him off. He got butthurt and never talked to me again. This is a guy, I was MADLY in love with.

~Sister~

My sister, is not really my sister. She came from a different father. We don’t really have a relationship as a friend or a sister, she could care less about me, and I do care about her. But whatever.

~Step-Sister~

Ruined my life, and still tries to make things better. She actually made a new re-appearance and is now trying to drag my life down to her horrid one.

~Big brother~

My big brother isn’t by blood, he taught me and practically raised me as my mother worked. He was god to me,  he made me happy. He really did and I love him so much. We don’t talk as much as we used to, but he’s my big brother whom I forgive for being Canadian (I have nothing against Canadians it’s just a joke), he has always been there and he still is. He’s happily engaged, and well he’s my big brother.

~Brother~

Stephen, Stephen, 12 years he was ignored by me. I decided to pay attention to him now, I feel terrible for ignoring me but he takes a few good hits to my heart sometimes, eh? He’s the biggest bully ever, ;-; but I love him a lot and he’s my little bro-bro, I’m there for him at any moment (now), he isn’t by blood, but we are still family (weird, huh?).

~(New) Little Step-Brother~

Uh, there’s not much to say only met him once. He’s chill, not much of a gamer. Neglects his sister, w/e.

~(New) Little Step-Sister~

Annoying, just met her once, she fake cries, not bright, Disney obsessed, w/e.

~(New) Older Step-Sister~

Haven’t met her, can’t say.

There are more problems than this in my life. But, I got tired of writing, just as I’ve gotten tired of dealing with my problems, and living. Why am I still alive at this point? Because, as I cried, I looked up ways to feel better… One of the ways were to have people listen. And well, hello audience… ‘ello. Uh… I don’t know what else to say, but yeah… I cut some things up, you might hear from me again… I don’t know if I still want to live, I’m doubting it a lot… I actually feel like a drama queen for writing all of this, fuck, I know people have it harder than me but I just… Uggghh…