I just want to get my voice out…

It all started at the beginning to high school, 9th grade.

I fit in perfectly, I made new friends everyday, hung out, went to parties, dated. Normal stuff that people would expect a normal teenager girl to do. But…I wasn’t exactly happy. Sure during the moment of all those parties and drinks and even experimenting with weed a few times (nothing I’m proud of anymore) I was happy. But after that adrenaline rush went away, and I sat in my bed looking up at my bedroom ceiling, I knew I wasn’t happy.

I guess I could say it started when I met Joe. He wasn’t someone that went to my school, in fact he was already graduated, but only 18. He would constantly tell me how he was always depressed. How his father would constantly beat the shit out of him, and how he was even rushed to the hospital do to a beer bottle over his head. Joe was a great guy, and I honestly liked being around him. But it all changed when him cousin committed suicide. They were really close. And me and Joe started to talk less, instead to talking hours on end every day it was an hour or so, and then it turned to very quick phone calls. On 1/22/11 I got a phone call from his friend and he explained to me he committed suicide.

I started to cut. A lot. Every day over the littlest things. I blamed myself every day for his death. I thought I should have known something was wrong with him. But for some reason, I never asked him  if he was okay.

About three months later, my guilt of the loss of my friend grew lighter, but I couldn’t stop cutting. At this point it was something I would go to for comfort. It made me feel better. I then met a guy. He was absolutely perfect, at least I thought at first. He would make me laugh, make me feel special, and at one point I actually thought he would be able to distract me from cutting. That was until he asked me about sex. I knew I wasn’t ready, but no matter how many times I said no, he continued to pressure me into saying yes. He told me we couldn’t be together unless we had sex, and even though I wanted to be with him, I didn’t want to. So he dumped me and went out with the sluttiest girl at school.

I started to skip school. Days on end. I cried over him for days. I then knew my life wasn’t worth living for if I couldn’t be with him. So I over dosed on pills.  I woke up in the hospital and my family explained that one of my friends grew worried about me and came over about an hour after I took the pills. They called an ambulance and then I was taken to the hospital. I was then forced to take depression pills as well as bipolar and ADD pills. I also had to see a counselor twice a week and a psychiatrist  once a week.

A few weeks later I had to go back to school. Of course there were those people I never talked to who seemed concerned about me. I saw dirty looks everywhere I went, people would say I was an “attention whore” and a “slutty *****” regardless of the fact I slept with no one. My mom was then rushed into the hospital due to a mental break down. I was forced to live with my dad. On August of 2011 my other friend, Austin committed suicide. I was honestly near my breaking point, but I knew I had to stay strong for my mom.

My dad would constantly tell me how much of a worthless person I was. That I caused so much unnecessary drama. My dad got remarried about two years ago. When my mom and him were still together he would mentally, physically and emotionally abuse me, my mom and brother. He would drag me across the room by my hair, punch me over and over and pin my up against the wall by my neck. He would scream at me about the littlest things, I had to be perfect or I would get punished.

Anyways, my step-mom never got along with me, and I never got along with her. She always thought she was better then me and would barely talk to me.  March of 2012 my step mom and I had a huge blow out. She told me I was a selfish *****. How I had a “dark cloud” around me and that I treated everyone like shit and tried to bring everyone down. She told me everyone hated me and that I am a loner, that all my friends hate me and that all my aunts, uncles and cousins from my dads side hate me. My dad did absolutely nothing but laugh and encourage her to continue on. He said I was always wrong and he and his wife were right. That I was a shitty selfish daughter.

That night I decided I had enough and drank bleach. I’m not exactly sure why or even how but my dad found out and rushed me to the hospital. My stomach was pumped and I was on suicide watch. My mom was released from the hospital and told my dad he wasn’t every allowed to see me unless his attitude and his wife’s attitude changed. I haven’t seen my dad since.

At that point I realized I had to stop what I was doing. I started to see my counselor more often and eventually I started taking less of my medication. June of 2012 I officially stopped cutting.

I still sometimes think about cutting, but I know I don’t need to, because I can be happy without it. My depression has improved and I am now completely depression free. Sure I get sad every once in awhile, but I know life is too precious to worry about little things.

I wrote this in hopes to help people who are suicidal to realize its not worth it. You are strong and you can get through it. I promise you. My goal is to now help people, to listen to people who are suicidal or just need to be listened to. Because I believe everyone at least deserves that. I promise you I won’t judge you, just as long as you don’t judge me. Please, if you are comfortable enough, come and talk to me, I’ve been told I’m a good listener (: