My first post was months ago. yet I’m still here.
I have it all ready behind me, the ******** tank, the turkey oven bag, the gas regulator. I’m long past saying good byes. All I can think of is how much I miss that one person, who I will never see again. I’ve pushed everyone away, drained away every bit of money I’ve had, every bit of hope I’ve had, and now all my mind does is draw a blank.
I have people who love me, my family, my friends, even strangers who I barely know reach out to me. And the sad part is how I can’t reciprocate how much they care for me. All I feel is shame, and guilt, worthlessness.
I think I used to be a decent human being. Someone who loved life. Loved others. Loved myself. Wanted to do good in the world.
I hope someone remembers me like that.
Because I really liked that girl.
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Although you feel like you hate yourself, don’t you think that your family will miss you? That’s about the only thought that helped… but once that wasn’t enough. But please. Don’t do it. Just wait. A few minutes. A few hours. Think about it. Talk about it. It’s not worth it.
But if you do go through with it. At least read this, you are a courageous person.
That girl is who you still are. You choose who you become in each instant, at each juncture. But you can always go back. It’s the wonder of neural plasticity that your personality – who you are – is not governed by absolutes, and it is not governed by your past.
I can tell you still love life, and still care about others, because otherwise you wouldn’t feel how you’re feeling right now. Those feelings of shame, inadequacy, are reactions to perceived imperfections in how you act – the choices you’ve made. You don’t ever feel that way without realizing that the opposite is how you wish you could feel.
From how you describe yourself, I like the person that I know you still are.
I wish you wouldn’t
“From how you describe yourself, I like the person that I know you still are.”
I agree with Orangish, you seem like the person I would trust, and trust me, I am a paranoid person by nature… So many betrayals… but the thing is, is that you are a good person, in your first post you stated that you were tired of bringing the people you love down, and your right, you have everyone in your heart.
You are a compassionate, loving person, and people like that are gems, they are hard to find in this world.
I just wish i could find a woman who accepts me for who i am… a tall‚ socially awkward ‚ overweight ‚ angry‚ childish‚ uninteresting‚ unintelligent‚ unconfident‚ annoying‚ black person. Oh wait my girl will ever want that. I obsessed over one girl throughout high school and now shes gettong married. Now im just a suicidal loser.
I really have no advice to give you besides get over her and improve yourself. Who am i to tell i cant even get my first girlfriend‚ and no therapist will help with any of this nor do i want to put in any eork to improve my life cuz my life is too fucked up. Next up‚ suicide note.
*no girl. *work
Put the ******** tank in the closet. Keep it. Now you have an exit strategy.
The entirety of the world is absurd, and no human should ever have had been asked to live in it–but its here. But don’t make a conscious decision to slip your head into ******** dreams. You only get to walk of stage once, so you better make sure there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING left at all in this world you are even remotely interested in.
Rage in anger and punch walls if you feel like it. Run screaming through the streets, leave everything you own where it is except some warm clothes in a bag and start walking. That ******** tank is for when you can’t even consciously deal with living in the world, not for when you are making logical arguments against your own existence (that is what I read from your analysis of worthlessness).
As long as you are breathing, you have shit to do. I’m not promising it will get better (though if you are at the bottom it might), But who really knows what happens when we die? Not me. All I expect, is that life, existence, will be a dream, good or bad, a dream we will look back on. That is one thing I will promise you changes: our attraction to the past. I’ve been in love with the same woman for five years. It hasn’t gotten better, but it is becoming the livable memory of a nightmare.
Give it time, but mainly do something. However drastic it is, remember, humans are versatile creatures and can and will go to absurd lengths for survival. It doesn’t get better, but you get used to it. One day, you’ll wake up and realize, “Shit, I’m still here. Oh well”
It only feels like the only way out..am so skinny i tremble around people.people treat me with disrespect even my family i dnt defend myself coz am too scared am too sensitive i have a lazy eye i got acne.cant search 4 a job bcoz of my awarkwardness.i have no fuckin money.am so stupid.tried helpin myself out.nothing changed…
i feel you man (currently in the same situation). i fell in love with this one girl but she is in a committed relationship (getting married) and i cant do anything about it. i never even had a girlfriend too. we can only hope that we can move on from this and find someone who can reciprocate that love. if ever you do find one, make sure you treat her as her own person and not as a substitute.
I am that girl that I miss.
^
I know what you mean. 2:34 am and I should be stumbling out some nightclub or casino around about now. Instead I’m on here wondering what life used to be like
does anyone know shelleycakes